Pretender
Jarod is suffering from Ennui and during a momentary lapse of concentration is caught by the Centre, who now have their sights set on reclaiming Gemini...
Verrry good!
This is really your first fanfic? You're off to a great start. You're style is fresh and engaging. It really feels like a window into Jarod's troubled mind. The best part of this piece was the details you chose to include: Jarod noticing the time every few minutes, thinking that yellow was a "safe" color, recognizing the kind of needle they had. You're off to a great start, and I hope you'll continue.
Well, you asked for "constructive criticism," so here goes: the only thing I would change in this chap would be the part where Lyle pulls a gun on Jarod. It's a little confusing for a minute there--I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be picturing Lyle or a very pissed off Miss Parker.
Overall, excellent chap! I look forward to more.
Thank you so much MP!! I couldn’t have asked for a better first review!
I love constructive criticism (and you’re really quite good at it too!).
To be honest you caught me out with the whole Lyle/Miss Parker thing, originally it was going to be her… but then the story started writing itself and without saying too much hopefully things will clear up in the next few chapters (which cover a bit more back story and hopefully explain that little bit of confusion)…
Anyway, thank you again for your review, your time and criticism are really most appreciated!
Reviewer: MP SignedGreat story! I'm a huge fan of all your work. Glad you came out of lurking. Yay you!
Author's Response: Cheers, MP - it wasn't so much a decloaking as an upload of works previously written, but you know, it works. :) Thanks always for the lovely words! Maybe one of these days I'll get off my arse and write something new for tP.
Great job on this piece! Lyle is a tough character to write for. Way too often (in fanfic and the series) he came off as the one-dimensional sociopath, which didn't make sense considering his complicated back story. It's great to see someone do him justice.
I'd never really thought about how Lyle would react to the post IOTH Centre. This self-destruct makes a lot of sense considering how the life he'd ecked out sort of came crashing down. I liked the part about how he hadn't been sober enough to eat his secretary.
I'm also a House fan with great appreciation for Cuddy. Wonder how the whole thing felt from her perspective?
Overall, great job!
Reviewer: MP SignedNice! This is a great piece. It conveys a lot through carefully selected details. More importantly, you've achieved what many writers struggle with: a sense of urgency. Even in such a short story, you manage to show the tension that, I think, was such an integral part of the show. Great work! You have a talent for this, and I hope you keep writing.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! The idea to use details really came from the show itself. The "bad guys" never need long-winded tirades to make their threats very real, Jarod and Sydney never have long talks about filial love, (unfinished sentences at best ) and yet their unique relationship is very clear ... I tried to respect that, which is why I am so happy that you picked up on it!
Who sees the world in true colours?
Very interesting and compelling take on Angelo. You captured how fractured his mind is--overloaded from all the messy emotions around him. Great choice of details--the giggling, the humming. The color imagery was perfect; it's the kind of analogy most authors would never think of.
"Yes he could feel them all, but could even one of them feel him?"
Kills me. Great job.
(Applause)
Great imagery in this one. The use of the thunderstorm lends this piece an intensity not often found in such short stories. As always, the characterization is spot on. Good job!
YAY! Thanks a lot for your review MP!
Reviewer: MP SignedNice little piece!
One thing you might want to change for continuity's sake: If Gemini was four in the first section and fourteen in the second, the second section would be ten years later, not fourteen.
Overall, great job. You really made me feel for poor Gem.
Reviewer: MP SignedWow . . . need a kleenex . . . okay, little better now.
"Invictus" is one of my favorite poems, and I've always thought it worked well for describing Jarod. You used it very effectively. The story line was incredibly heart-wrenching. It's one of those stories that starts you off with a sense of dread, and then builds on it with each sentence. By the end, I was saying to myself "Oh, my god, it can't get any worse, can it?" And then it did. Somehow, the stark, matter-of-fact way you describe the torture only makes it more terrible.
And yet, this didn't feel like all those other Jarod-gets-tortured-and-dies stories. Interspersed with the stomach churning elements, there were poignant moments. The interaction with Sydney almost did me in. The last two paragraphs were perfect. Thanks for another stellar story.
Miss Parker and Jarod morn a missing friend.
Very nice piece--poignant and well-written. Sweet but not shippy (thanks soooo much for that). It was very perceptive, especially the part about why Angelo couldn't come to the grave site.
One niggle: you mean "mourning." Without the "u" it refers to the time of day.
Great work!
Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them, despite how late I'm telling you this.
Reviewer: MP SignedAs a child, Jarod created the ultimate SIM. Now a man, Jarod will have to find a way around his perfect scenario in time to save the President. As options become few, the Pretender realizes that he'll need all the help he can get.
Meanwhile, Miss Parker, her father, Sydney, and Broots all realize what it truly means to work for the Centre, and what it can cost.
[Season 3 opens with part 11, a shorter chapter of Toby's view! R&R?]
Squee! Crossover!
I'm very intrigued by this first chapter. The writing has a good rythm, and you seem to have a good handle on the characters. One niggle: Sydney is a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Though IMO, the work he does would be more typical to a psychologist, there are frequent references in the show to him, in fact, being in psychiatry.
I'm a huge WW fan, so it was a nice treat to get that little twist at the end. I'm looking forward to seeing how you develop those characters. I've actually toyed with the idea of this particular crossover myself, but could never get my lazy butt motivated to actually write it. "Jarod Sorkin," LOL! Just the kind of tongue in cheek humor the show did best.
Best of luck with this! I'll keep reading.
Very nice chap! I'm still enjoying this story, especially the extended focus on Jarod in this chapter. You delved deeper into his character, and that can only be a good thing. I loved your portrayal of Toby!
A few quibbles: Mr. Parker's title is Chairman of the Centre, not Director of Operations. Also, it was a bit tough to place this in the West Wing timeline, probably because you named the chapters after season 1 episodes but set them in season 2. I think I'm clear now, and I'm not gonna complain because the ep titles are just too awesome!
I really enjoyed the bit where Jarod passed a DSA player off as a ZIP drive. Poor Josh would truly be lost without Donna.
It's great to see your writing growing. Best of luck as you develop this!
Reviewer: MP Signed
