VIII – JAROD

Pretending to pretend

Finally! Here’s my story. I have to tell you guys something. I’m very disappointed with the way things are happening. I really am. I mean, I’m the main character on this show (supposedly), everything revolves around me and all of a sudden I’m cast out to… here. Eight stories before mine. Eight! For a main character – THE main character is more like it – it’s an unexpected turn off.

Look, I read all the other stories before mine. I enjoyed most of them, they were funny, unusual, but they were all about secondary characters. Miss Parker and I, we’re the main ones. Hero and villain, man and woman, lovers, nemesis. Come on!

I wonder if this happened because I told once that eight is my favorite number. Could it be? If so, I’m glad I lied for, in fact, my favorite number is 1317. I’m really glad I lied. Imagine that: writing one thousand, three hundred and sixteen stories before mine. They would have to create new characters. And that would happen only after they write a story about every sweeper, cleaner, secretary, clerk and janitor at The Centre.

In 2013 Steve and Craig brought the show back to life with new characters. There's Zane, and Kaj, and Daphne, and O'Quinn, and Nathalie, and...

Are those really new characters' names or are you just pulling out names from a book of names or something?

That's not fair. Some of the new characters sound pretty interesting. Especially that guy with the eyes in a box.

His own eyes? That is interesting.

No. Not HIS own eyes. Other people's.

How remarkable. Cox used to carry a pair of glass eyes in his pocket. I wonder what else they forgot?

You sound grumpy.

I am. After all, I was promised a good story and all I'm getting is this silly nonsense dialogue with you that does absolutely nothing to push the story forward.

But look how eloquent you sound.

You are not the first author who make me sound eloquent. Including fanfic authors.

I know that. But how many allowed YOU to realize that?

Hmm. Maybe this was worth the wait.

See?

I said maybe.

Well, enough stalling, since I can do anything, what would be the perfect job for me now that I no longer have The Centre constantly chasing me?

Insurance salesman?

No. Instead of The Centre, I would have an entire country chasing me. Something else.

Body guard?

No, I’m too friendly for that.

What I need is something that fits my personality. Hence, I need to ask myself a very important question.

What do I like?

Pez, ice cream, candy.

Something in pastry, maybe?

Better not. Probably would eat the entire stock. I still remember that time I pretended to be an ice-cream salesman. Fortunately, I used the money from The Centre to pay my debt.

Toying with Miss Parker, stealing from The Centre, ridiculing Lyle… Oh, wait a minute! Pretending…

That’s it! I'm good at pretending!

Now, new question, what kind of job shall I get?

If only there was a job where I could pretend to be someone else…

Like being an actor?

Actor! That's it! I’m gonna be an actor! I already know everything about pretending, all I need to do now is going to a casting and find myself the perfect role for my capacities.

“Number 77!”

That’s you.

“Over here.”

“Hurry up, then. We haven’t got all day.”

The impatient one was someone with a double digit IQ and a triple digit income, to quote the great G. Carlin. I followed him to an office where three men sat behind a wood desk; director, producer and casting director. Actually, there was only one guy there but he had a multiple personality disorder.

Hey! Quick question: if you suffer from multiple personality disorder, how many forms do you have to fill out when applying for a job?

Ask Dannie/Enid that.

“Good afternoon, Mr.…”

“You can call me Jarod.”

“Jarod. Do you have any experience acting?”

“Yes, I do.”

“In what capacity?”

“I'm good at pretending.”

“Oh no. Not another one.”

“Excuse me?”

“Thank you for coming. Next!”

“Wait a minute! I just told you I can pretend.”

“That’s the thing. We don’t want someone who can pretend, we want someone who can act.”

“Isn’t it the same thing?”

“No.”

“Sorry, I’m confused here.”

“You don’t look confused.”

I took the hint and faked confusion.

“What about now?”

“Hmm… Are you pretending or are you acting?”

“Acting.”

“You’re very talented.”

“Thank you!”

“Was that enthusiasm genuine or fake?”

“Fake?”

“You’re hired.”

“Oh, great! So, what’s the role?”

“We’re gonna do a TV show about a man who can be anything he wants to be. He’s captured as a child and is raised by a secret company who uses his talents to make lots and lots of money. Then one day he —”

“Escapes the company and they assign a retrieval team lead by his childhood friend and lover to bring him back?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head at the absurdity of such plot. “He asks for a better pay check.”

“Oh… And what role will I be playing?”

“You’ll be the geek who wears stupid shirts.”

“The geek…?”

“Yes. We've seen that video of yours on Youtube.”

What is Youtube?

Oh, it's this thing where people post videos with talking cats and old footage like you on a TV show-contest with curly hair.

That's not me. That's the actor who played me.

Doesn't matter.

I wonder who devised such a devious concept. It was probably The Centre.

You would think so, but actually, it wasn't.

Unbelievable.

Uh, Jarod? You should get back to the story.

“You don’t like it?”

“Excuse me?”

“Playing the geek. You have a problem with that?”

“Actually… I love it!”

I’m getting good at this acting thing.

“Good. We begin shooting next Monday. Ask Judith at reception for a gun, I mean, a script and be here at 9 am sharp.”

“Will do.”

“By the way, that idea of a childhood lover is not bad at all; if you know anyone who’s good for the part, let us know, will ya?”

“Don’t worry.”

So, that’s it, folks. I’m gonna do a TV show and I’m gonna play Broots. I hope this won’t be the highlight of my new acting career. Either way, it was fun playing this story, despite all the silliness. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. ‘Till next time...

THE END

Dedicated to Steve and Craig. Because.