XIV - MAJOR CHARLES

The mission

I saw a movie the other day. It was called “The Muted Heart”.

That's not a real movie. It's a Seinfeld made-up flick.

Then what the hell did I watch? Doesn't matter. What matters is what it taught me.

Which was?

Will you shut up and let me tell the story?!

Shutting up.

Anyway, the lesson it taught me was that we should cease the day.

Carpe diem.

Bless you. So, I decided it was about time to do something about The Centre once and for all.

Charles, I don't know if you know this, but-

Didn't I tell you to shut up?

Yes, but...

Then, shut up. Or are you so dumb that you can't even understand such a simple request?

As you wish. Please continue. I won't interrupt again, unless you ask me.

That's all I want. As I was saying, I decided to travel to Blue Cove and put an end to The Centre for good. It was a crazy mission, probably suicidal, but I wasn't getting any younger and I preferred to die trying to stop those evil bastards than sit around and do nothing.

I left Andrew a note telling I probably would be late for supper. I was an hour and a half away from Blue Cove, so it would be a quick trip.

Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Yet you did. What?

I thought you and Andrew were in Greenville, North Dakota.

North Dakota? Why the hell would I be there (no-offense-to-any-North-Dakotan-who-might-be-reading-this)? I'm in Delaware!

Oh dear...

What? What have you done?

I kinda miscalculated your starting point.

Damn it! How long till I get to Blue Cove then?

About thirty hours. Give or take.

Who taught you how to plan a trip?!

No one. I went to Google Maps and--

What's that?

It's a computer program that helps you calculate itineraries, traveling distances, etc. It's quite useful if you know how to use it.

Which you, clearly, don't.

I made a mistake, all right? Besides, who in his right mind would hide from The Centre at the same place where it's located?

It's a strategy that has been used for centuries!

Well, excuse meee for not knowing the obvious!

HOOOOONK!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ! What was that?

That was the guy behind you honking. You're jamming the traffic.

I didn't know we already traveling! For God's sake! Were we discussing all that WHILE I was driving? I could have killed someone!

But you didn't.

From now on please don't distract me.

I started the car and drove off. As I looked around, and failed to recognize the place, I was forced to ask: Where are we now?

Let me check. This is... Kandiyohi, Minnesota.

From North Dakota to Minnesota? That's like a three hour driving!

More like four.

I can't believe you were this reckless!

I was watching, okay?

(Sigh) Listen, why don't we just stop with this stupid arguing and try to make this a nice story?

A funny story?

Yes, sure, a funny story. I would love to be in a funny story!

~*~

After so many seasons

The Centre's doors are finally shut

All it took was a visit from Stevenson

And a kick in the butt

Now Lyle is serving lo mein

While Sam is telling jokes,

Willy sings Amen!

And Cox sells pills that cause strokes.

The landlord came

And to hell it all went!

No one knows the name

Of who didn't pay the rent!

Ah! This so much fun!

It is, isn't it? Put on the silly hat now!

No. That will only make this story ridiculous.

Desmancha-prazeres...

What was that?

I just complimented you.

Didn't sound like a compliment. What language was that?

Australasian.

That's not a language, that's a region.

Fine. Australasianese.

Where are we now?

We just passed through Clayton, Iowa.

How much time till we get to Blue Cove?

I only made calculations as far as Dover. I figured that since Blue Cove doesn't exist we could take whatever time we like to get there.

That's the first reasonable decision you made since this story started. How much time to Dover, then?

About twenty hours.

What?! I can't drive all those hours non-stop!

Potty-break?

Obviously, but not just that. I also need to eat and sleep.

I don't think the readers care too much for reading about those things. But I agree: you need to do that.

Do you have something in mind?

I think I might.

~*~

After a good night sleep and a very nourishing breakfast, I was once again behind the wheel.

That was quite good! Thank you!

No problem.

I was passing through LaPorte, Indiana, when all of a sudden--

What happened to Whiteside, Illinois?

You don't expect me to mention every single town we pass by, do you?

No. Just the ones on the list I gave you. Or I can just go back and turn the first sentence in this section to something like: After a night without sleeping and a lousy breakfast, I was once again behind the wheel. You wouldn't want that, would you?

No, I wouldn't.

Okay then.

A few hours after passing through Whiteside, Illinois, I was about to enter LaPorte, Indiana, when all of a sudden...

No, no, no. What's this 'all of a sudden' thing?

I'm trying to add danger to this story! It's too dull and boring!

Don't. I'm building up for the grand finale.

That only justifies if you keep the readers interested. Otherwise, they'll stop right here. If they haven't already.

You're wrong. Readers will love this.

Judging from the amount of reviews, I don't think so.

I only got good reviews so far.

If you say so.

All right!!! You want danger? I'll give you danger!

~*~

A few hours after passing through Whiteside, Illinois, I was about to enter LaPorte, Indiana, when all of a sudden an alien fleet appeared, aiming their plasma cannons and lasers at me.

Wait a second! What are you doing?!

You wanted danger, didn't you?

Probable, believable danger. Not THIS. Those ships look like they're made up of carton.

I borrowed them from my Alphabet Series.

It's the second time you mention some story other story of yours.

Well, no one is doing it for me, so...

You know what? I quit! Let the aliens shoot me! See if I care!

That won't be necessary.

~*~

A few hours after passing through Whiteside, Illinois, I was about to enter LaPorte, Indiana, when all of a sudden a Centre helicopter appeared before me. I couldn't tell who was piloting the damn thing, but I recognized the sweeper who was aiming his sniper riffle at me as the same one who had asked me about Jarod while I was taking Emily in an ambulance at the season four finale.

That would have been a lot shorter if you had simply said it was Willy.

I would have, if you had bothered to brief me about the scene first.

That would take the edge off of it.

Distracted by the conversation, I was alerted to the imminent danger when a bullet hit my windshield. I lost control of the vehicle for a moment, but managed to get a hold of it

Willy aimed again and fired another shot, which landed on the front left tire, causing me to catapult and fall down the ravine.

When the spinning stopped, I felt pain all over my body. That meant, for one thing, that I was still alive; on the other hand, being unable to escape, I was in some serious trouble. I tried to remove my belt-buckle, but it was stuck. Then I heard them:

“He's down there! Let's get him!”

I wondered what were they going to do to me.

They'll torture you. A lot. Then they'll kill you, bring you back to life, torture you some more until you're dead again, and so on.

I prepared myself for what was to come.

Doesn't matter. They can torture me all they want. I will not tell them anything.

That's all right. They're not interested in what you have to say. They simply want to torture you for the fun of it.

You mean, even if I resist heroically to their attempts to break me, that won't constitute a noble effort?

Not really, no.

In that case, could you get me out of here?

Sure.

~*~

After a very long trip, I was finally in Blue Cove. A few more minutes and I would be at The Centre. It was a Sunday, so they were probably short on staff, which made my mission a little less than practically impossible.

I had ditched my car and traded it for an exterminator van. The idea was to announce myself as a rat exterminator in order to get everyone out and then deal with Mr. Raines. Personally, I thought that was a really stupid plan.

Like yours was any better. Hacking into the system and began a lockdown! What a joke!

It worked on “Toy Surprise”.

All the more reason not to use it. I'm trying to be original here.

I guess that's the whole point of writing fanfiction.

We're here.

I stopped the car, took a long look at the enormous building before me and swallowed dry. This was it: the moment of reckoning. I turned off the engine and left the vehicle, careful not to let anyone see my face before I put my helmet on. Then I grabbed the spray-cannon and climbed the marble steps.

I was about to press the doorbell when the doors swooshed open and I found myself inside a convenience store.

This wasn't The Centre I remember...

“Hello, sir. Welcome to...”

I turned around and sprayed the sonofabitch without checking who it was.

“My eyes! My eyes!”

“Dear Lord! Jarod?”

“No! For the last time, I'm not Jarod! Why do you insist on calling me that? I'm Ebenezer!”

What's going on? What happened here?

Oh, right! Funny story: about a month ago, the landlord came and shut The Centre down for not paying the rent.

And you're telling me that now?

I tried to tell you at the beginning of the story, but you told me to shut up, so I did.

You could have insisted. Or tried again later on.

I did! We even sang about it, remember?

I wasn't paying much attention to the lyrics.

Besides, Andrew told you all about it as soon as it happened.

He said we didn't need to worry about The Centre anymore. The same way we didn't need to worry about fixing stuff around the house, buying groceries, cooking... How was I supposed to know that he wasn't being lazy for once?

I don't know.

This whole trip was just a waste of time....

Not necessarily. See Mr. Parker over there?

That--

He just got fired. How about you add up to his crappy day and punch him in the face? Would that help?

It's a start.

The End