Disclaimer: The Pretender universe, and all therein, isn’t mine. The story is mine, however. So sue me if you want to, oh mighty PTB. You may take my money, but you’ll never take my freedom.

Not Enough

by Diamond

There was a time when I would never have admitted it. But it's been so many years now that it isn't so hard to face the truth. So yes, I acknowledge, I've always wanted her. Always. Not just sexually - it all started before I knew anything of lust and desire. No, really it was just that I wanted to be closer to her - always closer. It started when we were just children, and she was a lonely little girl looking for a friend. I don't know whether they even considered what they were doing when they introduced us, but she represented everything fascinating and new for me.

And I wanted to be closer to her. Though of course, I was so emotionally starved in the Center - especially as a child - that I basically latched onto anyone who gave me the time of day. Still, it was different with her, I suppose, because she offered true friendship, and only asked for the same in return.

But then she went away. And she grew up, and forgot about me. I guess she didn't have a choice about any of it. No, she is as much a creation of the Center as I am.

After she was sent to boarding school, I missed her for a while... But she was gone for a long time. And when she finally came back, she had changed. A lot. When I finally saw her again - it must have been six years at least - I caught her eye, and for a second... that flash of recognition... the simultaneous intake of breath… But the moment passed, and she just gave me a shallow smile, and said "Hello Jarod", in a voice I didn't recognise. And then she told me she was busy and had to go. It was obvious that this new person was totally closed off from the girl I'd known...

And it was sad of course, and disappointing, but I have to admit that I recovered quickly enough to watch her walk away from me down the corridor... and... well... what with the high heels and the miniskirt, let's just say that was when wanting to be closer to her suddenly took on a whole new meaning. Though, I can hardly be blamed for that. I didn't meet all that many attractive people during my thirty year stint as a lab rat.

I didn't see her often after that. But every now and then I would catch a glimpse of her. Sometimes I would exchange a few words with her. But the words grew harsher as time went on. She grew harsher.

Then I escaped.

And I couldn't help but laugh when Sydney told me the Center had put Miss Parker on my trail. I'm sure it made sense to them - she had extensive experience as a field operative, not to mention her time as head of internal security, and then there was her childhood relationship with me... It was an obvious choice for them, but it's a wonder that they didn't realise how simple it would make it for me to elude her and Sydney. Knowing them both as I did, I could anticipate their every move with ease.

Not that I'm complaining, of course.

And today, even now, I still laugh when I think of those years when she was chasing me. I pulled some incredibly petty stunts. But I can't be blamed for feeling a little bitter towards her. She may have been a source of childish fascination for me, but during the time I was on the run from her, she merely represented the Center. And, of course, it didn't help that she forgot about me so easily once she'd grown up. So I enjoyed tormenting her - giving her the flu... having her arrested... not to mention strip searched... It was just so satisfying to lash out at someone, and she made an easy target.

But even when I liked her least, I never stopped wanting her.

Pathetic, isn't it? But it wasn't something I could help. It seemed we were fated to always be connected in some way. Just two pieces of the same puzzle, as I once told her. Even now, four years after I dealt with the Center in one decisive blow - my biggest operation, and greatest triumph - even now I haven't quite managed to put it all behind me. I'd been working on it progressively since the moment I first escaped, collecting information, slowly invading the Center mainframe computer, setting each piece carefully in place... But despite all my careful preparation, there was some unforseen fallout. Mr Parker, for one. Aside from the fact that he had as much to do with destroying both our lives as anyone at the Center, she still loved him.

I've always felt protective of her. It's not something I could ever help. We were both victims of that place. We both had our families stolen from us. We're alike in that respect, and in so many others. I can't say that I always understood how she could still have so much faith in her father after he betrayed her at every turn. Sometimes it would just drive me crazy the way she would continue to defend him.

Of course, I can't help but compare it to my own attachment to Sydney. I guess we both had unhealthy relationships with our respective father figures.

And I knew that she would be devastated by his death. And I knew that I had to see her.

Jesus.

That night...

Whenever I think of her, and I do think of her at times, it is almost always in remembrance of that night - the last time I saw her. Before I knew about her father, I had already intended on going to see her. I didn't really have any specific agenda. Though, of course, I had hoped... maybe...

But as I said, there was unforseen fallout.

She was crying when I got there. I hadn't really expected that, though I don't know why. It was dark in her house. I stood there for awhile, just looking at her, and she was so pale in the moonlight that came in through the windows. Finally she looked up at me. And while there was a lot that I wanted to talk to her about, the only thing I could say when I found her sitting there in the dark was "I'm sorry"... and I was so very sorry. My feelings had always been confused when it came to her, but I knew that I didn't want her to be in pain.

She stood up then, and took a step towards me. And I held her, and it felt like such a natural thing to do. I didn't expect it when she kissed me, though I didn't resist. It was something I'd fantasised about often enough... But I knew it was happening for the wrong reason - that she was acting out of desperation and pain.

I probably should have handled it better. But to be fair, I wasn't exactly in the best of emotional states either. Was I ever, back then? And really, what did it matter when she felt so wonderful in my arms, her body so soft against mine...

But after a time it was obvious how wrong it felt. That confused me, because at the same time it felt so right... I pulled away. All I could think was maybe she had some idea as to just what the hell was happening. Because I didn't have a clue.

"I don't know what you want from me," I said, and she stared back at me for a moment with eyes so wide I could have fallen into them.

Then she answered me. "Everything. I want everything, Jarod."

And her words just made it all so much worse... They made me realise that maybe we were just too much alike. Because that was what I wanted from her. And because, like her, it was something I couldn’t give. But with her hands clutching at me, and her breath filling my nostrils, I could hardly put the thought into words. God I think I actually stuttered... I've never felt so out of control. Then she said - damn, I'll never forget it - she said "I know, but just pretend, for me, just for tonight, that you can. Please."

And what did it matter when I'd always wanted it, and I suspected she had too. And she felt so beautiful against me, and unbelievably soft under my hands, and it was easy to pretend - for myself as well as for her - that it was forever.

And it was amazing. Undressing her in the dark. Her skin so smooth as I ran my hands up her arms and over her shoulders. Lowering to the floor. Her hands on my chest, her tongue in my mouth. The taste of her as I kissed her breasts and stomach. Our eyes locked through the darkness as her legs encircled my hips. My hands in her hair, her fingernails digging into my back. That final, frantic release…

Amazing.

Jesus.

Afterwards, I couldn’t help bit feel ashamed, as we lay there panting in the dark. She stood without speaking, without ceremony, and lead me into her bedroom. She didn’t look at me, but she let me hold her. I wonder if she knew just how much I’d always wanted to do that. And she cried, and she was shaking as I stroked her hair.

I often wonder whether it could have been different. Id I’d spoken - if either of us had spoken. But there didn’t seem to be anything much to say. I wonder whether it wasn’t supposed to be different. Perhaps I simply hoped it wouldn’t feel as wrong as it did.

But it did feel wrong. So very wrong. Even as it was everything I wanted it to be. Because there was still the betrayal - the hurt, and malicious intent. Because neither of us would ever be free of the Center while in the other's presence. Because the Center was all our relationship ever was. And despite all the childhood memories, despite the concern and feelings of tenderness - perhaps even love - despite the attraction, and the delicious tension... in the end all of that wasn't enough. Just not enough.

And so I left her.

I haven't seen her in years. And I'll always feel sad when I think of her, and of us. Because too much water under the bridge seems like a pitiful reason not to have a happy ending. I'll always feel sad, and I'll shake my head, and sigh. Because it just wasn't enough - the sum of our secret hopes and dreams...

Just not enough.

End

Go to the last part in this trilogy, Pale.