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Chapter or Story 
Chapter or Story
Part 3
"Remember this, --that very little is needed to make a happy life."
Meditations. ii. 67
…Birth…
"Our birth is nothing but our death begun."
Edward Young: Night Thoughts, night v. line 718
Now, although I’d never admit it, I’m scared.
I’ve done what I need to do - I’ve produced a child to carry on the Parker name and to extend the influence of the Parkers inside the Centre.
So now what happens? Am I still valuable? Or is my life just a burden? I know what happens to people in the Centre who become burdens. It’s done without ceremony, without emotion. It just happens. And no one who values their own lives ever mentions your name again. Is that my fate? I don’t know any more. A child never really needs their mother. My…Miss Parker is a perfect example. Hard, cold, unfeeling. She fits perfectly into the Centre. I don’t. I’m insecure but I hide it. How well? I don’t know. That bitch is ideal - and she knows it. Other people do, too. Even Lyle. He obsesses over her and she totally ignores him, which irritates him even more. All I am to him is a convenience. He uses me, like I use him. He gets me the things I wants, panders to me when I need it, on the unspoken condition that I do the same to him.
All my life I’ve tried to do anything that would get me ahead, regardless of the consequences. If it didn’t work, I would lie low and wait for an opportunity to try again. At least, in all of my attempts, there’s one thing I’ve never had to worry about - feelings. I’ve made sure that I distance myself from everything that might hurt me. The outpouring of emotion that I see from so many people makes me sick. Love, admiration, respect - it’s all totally useless. I’ve seen it all and I’ve seen the heartache it causes. Therefore I don’t allow myself to get at all involved. Even this child that I’ve been carrying for so long. I’ve heard other women talk about ‘establishing a bond with their unborn child’. I prefer to be realistic. It’s going to happen and it might as well happen sooner than later. Get it over and done with. It will be taken away from me as soon as it’s born anyway, so why should I worry? Handed over to Raines, I suppose. He’s as good a person as any. And with its older siblings as Red Files, presumably this child will be brought up to try and replace Jarod.
Now there’s a person for whom I have feelings. Of course, they aren’t positive ones. I hate him, and I’ve never hated anyone or anything before. But when someone is so capable of humiliating me as often as he’s done…well, it’s not that much of a comfort that he’s done it to others before me. It’s as though he does it deliberately. All of the times that I’ve been so close to success and been thwarted. The best time of my life was when he was back in the Centre and I got to see him being humiliated in his turn. Great, I thought, now maybe I’ll get the chance for a little revenge. Not that it actually happened. No, I was told, you have to take care of yourself. We can’t allow you into a situation where the child could be in danger. So it wasn’t me that they were worried about. It was the little brat that I’m carrying around. That’s depriving me of sleep and making me look like a beached whale. Oh, I’m aware of how I look. My stepdaughter reminds me of it constantly. Perhaps I hate her too, but I doubt it. I can’t really be bothered wasting energy on her, except when she’s more successful than I am. It was the pleasure of my life to subject her to a T-board investigation. But the memory of each time that she was more successful makes bile rise in the back of my throat.
I’m not sure whether I want to live or die. It can’t be denied that the pressure of working in the Centre is enough to drive anyone to the edge. But life isn’t that important to me anymore. All I really want is a chance to redeem myself for any past mistakes and to gain some revenge for anything that people may have done to me over the years. That's my aim before I allow them to take me away. Feelings for the child? Why should I care? It isn't mine. It's belonged to the Centre since it's inception. The fate of Parkers, Raines told me and who am I to doubt him? After all, both Miss Parker and Lyle are now both inextricably linked to the Centre. And I'll be linked until I stop being useful. The question is who is now the most important person. There is a long list and I could easily assimilate myself with any of them.
I suppose you wonder how I can bring myself to act in that way. If you lived in an environment where any step could be the wrong one and the wrong step could be fatal, you'd act the same way. And it can't be denied that I'm a survivor. I'll do what I have to do to get to the top. It's like playing snakes and ladders. Sometimes, when you make the wrong move, you slide down the levels of power. But patience and careful decisions will bring you back, sometimes to a better situation than the one you were in before. That's the way I play the game. I gamble and sometimes I lose but I can usually make up for it with careful deliberation and decision-making.
If the day comes, and I know that it will, I'll do my best to make the most of it that I can. I'm not going to disappear without a trace. People aren't going to forget me, that's for sure. And I won't be one of those people who aren't mentioned after they disappear without a trace. I'm ready to go but not without one last fight, without a chance to gain back some of what I've lost. I want a reputation that will last and there are plenty of ways to get one. It's not going to be easy for them to remove me. Even if no one is willing to help me, I'll manage it on my own. And, for a while I'll be successful. I know that they won't let me win forever. I'm not even trying to buy time. What I want is the opportunity to show myself as I've never been seen before.
