Disclaimer:  In first chapter.

Chapter 30

“My…grandmother,” Josh whispered out.  Silence filled the air as Josh looked out the passenger side window.  He thought it was her, but still, his mother’s words still stun him a bit.  Glancing back at his mother he asked, “How?”

Still keeping her eyes on the road Miss Parker answered, “I don’t know.  It’s one of the great mysteries of my life.”  Coming to a stop at a red light, she looked over at Josh.  “I know this seems…confusing, even strange, but the only way I can explain it is that those voices you hear…they’re like—oh, how’s the best way to put it—they’re like guardian angels in a way, trying to warn you of things to come.”

Josh shook his head in disbelieve.  “Mom, do you know how crazy that sounds?  I mean, my God, what you’re telling me is that dead people are guiding us through life.”  Still shaking his head, he looked away from her an added sarcastically, “Man, now I know what that kid from the Sixth Sense felt like.  Next thing I know, I’m going to be saying ‘I see dead people’.”

“Josh, I know this is a lot to take in, but…”

Josh turned back to her.  “Mom, don’t,” he interjected harshly, “If this got out, we’ll be the laughing stock of the town.”  He paused for a moment and muttered under his breath, “I’m a freak…just like my mother.”  Shit, he chided to himself, I can’t believe I just said that out loud.  Heaving a heavy sigh, he glanced over at his mother.  He prayed that she didn’t hear it, but when he saw the look on her face, he knew she did.  She tried to pretend the words didn’t affect her, but they did.  Staring straight ahead she continued to drive.

“Mom, I’m sorry,” he quickly apologized.  “I was…I was just venting.  I didn’t mean it.”  He wondered how Sarah could do it.  How she could make snide remarks to their mother without batting her eyes?  For Josh, it killed him to know he hurt his mother.  The crestfallen look on her face nearly broke his heart.

An awkward silence filled the vehicle.  Josh wanted her to say something, anything, but she remained quiet as she steered the car onto their road.  “Mom, please say…something,” he pleaded.

“What do you want me to say, Josh?” she bit out, trying her best to keep the tears at bay. 

Josh shrugged his shoulders.  “I don’t know…anything.  Yell at me, tell me I’m a good for nothing son, but don’t try to ignore what I just said.  I know I hurt you…” he trailed off as he looked away from her, turning his attention to the houses that lined the street, trying his best to stifle the guilt that grew within him.

When their house finally came into view, Miss Parker pulled Jarod’s car to the curb while Jarod pulled the Jeep into the driveway.  Josh was about to burst from the confines of the car, when he felt his mother’s hand on his forearm, telling him to stay.  They both remained quiet when Jarod walked over to the car.

Miss Parker rolled down the window.  Before Jarod said anything, Miss Parker quickly told him, “Jarod, give us a few minutes.  We need to talk privately.” 

Jarod remained firmly in place as he stared back and forth between the two occupants.  “Is everything okay?” he asked with concern.

Miss Parker gave him her best reassuring smile.  “Yeah, everything’s fine, we just need to straighten some things out.”  She paused an added, “Go ahead and take Sarah in, we’ll be in the house shortly.”  A few seconds passed before Jarod finally agreed to her request.

Smiling at her he patted the door and said, “Okay, but don’t stay out to long.”

When Jarod turned away, Miss Parker rolled the window back up and looked over at Josh.  She couldn’t help but be reminded of how much Josh reminded her of Jarod.  His posture radiated guilt and nervousness as his eyes remained focused on the car mat below his feet, anxiously wringing his hands together, and waiting for a scolding that he thought he deserved.  So much like his father, she thought sadly, letting the guilt he felt about her consume his being.

“You need to stop blaming yourself,” she said softly, pushing a few strands of hair away from his forehead.  “I know you didn’t mean what you said, you’re just frustrated with the situation.”  Reaching out, she lightly grasped his chin.  She turned Josh’s face to hers, but he still wouldn’t look at her, still to ashamed at the words he said earlier.  “Look at me,” she ordered lightly.  A few moments passed before his blue eyes finally gazed into hers.  Her heart went out to him as she found tear laden eyes filled with despair staring back at her.  Smiling sadly as him she joked, “Don’t feel guilty about letting off a little steam now and again, because if you’re my child like they say you are, then venting out your problems should never be a problem for you.  Besides you’ll feel better after you do it.”

Josh pulled away from her grasp, shaking his head in disagreement.  “Mom, the last thing I feel is cheerful at the awful words I said to you.”

“Josh,” she began, “don’t ever bottle up what you feel because if you do, it will eat you up inside until you’re nothing more than a shell of your old self.”  Soon, thoughts of her father and his parenting techniques bubbled up to the surface.

Don’t let your emotions run away with you…

Can’t keep a Parker down…

Don’t let your emotions get in the way…

Never show weakness…

A Parker is strong willed; they don’t let petty emotions get in the way…

Stop crying about your mother…

Life goes on…

All the years of pent of emotions suddenly came to the surface like a dormant volcano for her, demanding for release.  Feeling tears burning in her eyes, she quickly looked away from Josh.

“Mom, are you alright?” Josh asked with concern.

She could feel the tears streaming down her cheeks as she did her best to wield back her Ice Queen mask, hoping it would just magically appear.  She was lost without it.  She had to have it to get through life.  Crying was a weakness that she couldn’t afford to show to anyone, even if it was Josh.  She tried to gain back her composure, but she couldn’t, not without her mask.  Her eyes remained fixated on a maple tree across the street; she didn’t want Josh to see her like this, so broken and weak.

“Mom, you’re scaring me.  Please, tell me what’s wrong?”

Covering her mouth, she shook her head from side to side.  “I…I can’t,” she choked out through the tears.

“I’m going to get, Dad,” Josh said.

“Please, don’t,” she pleaded, still keeping her eyes turned away.  “I…don’t want him to see me like this.”

Josh felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  He never seen his mother like this, so lost.  Every instinct in him told him to go get his father, yet he didn’t.  Sighing, he reached out, grabbing his mother’s right hand.  “Mom, please don’t cry,” he whispered out.

She was lost.  Tears rolled down her cheeks as she became frustrated with herself.  The fruitless search within her to find her mask was coming up empty.  Why couldn’t she find it?  Miss Parker needed her Ice Queen mask to protect her from the evilness and concern that people threw her way.  She couldn’t survive without it.  It was her lifeline for survival because that’s what her life boiled down to—survival of the fittest.  The weak died, the strong survived.

Then, out of nowhere, a new lifeline appeared in front of her.  Young, masculine hands wrapped around her small, feminine one.  Turning her head to look at her lifeline, she gazed into her own blue eyes as Josh held her hand.

“I can’t…” she mumbled out, trying to take her hand away from Josh.

However, Josh didn’t let go.  He didn’t know what was happening to his mother, but there seemed to be a battle waging within her, and she was the only person that could help herself, but he would give his support by holding her hand, letting her know that she wasn’t alone.  That she had a family that needed her more than ever.  She had to fight for them.  “Yes, you can,” he replied gently.

She tried to ward off the memories of her past, but they refused to be buried under the secrets and lies that had been fed to her all her life.  She wouldn’t let her inner demons control her anymore, it was time to exercise them, and the only way to do that was to cry and let it all out.  But, she was afraid of the outcome.  Would she still be her strong, independent self, or would she be a shattered, broken woman, just like her mother.  She didn’t want to do this alone, and she was thankful for her lifeline that was sitting in the car seat next to her, doing his best to offer his strength to her.

XXXXXX

To Be Continued…