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3 Doors or How I Managed To Write The Stupidest Christmas Story Ever



The night of December 23rd, 2013, will be a warm and pleasant one... everywhere else in the world, but not at the Centre. Oh, it's true things do heat up there from time to time – whenever the furnace has something to burn, for instance – but they are far from pleasant.

Take for instance these random three people: Mr. Raines, Miss Parker and Mr. Lyle. For more than five hours straight, they will sit at the Chairman's office arguing. Each one will try to make the others see his point of view, but they will all be too focused on themselves to notice anything else other than their own voices. There will be three ways, three doors if you may, for this night to end.

Door number one will be opened as soon as Mr. Raines punches the table with his closed fist, takes a big wheeze, and says: “Enough!”

“But, daaad!”, Mr. Lyle will cry.

“Shut up, Lyle! I said no and I mean no!”

“But it's tradition!” Miss Parker will say. “You can't go against tradition!”

“I will not dress as Santa at the Centre's Christmas Party! That is unacceptable!”

“But, daaad!”

At that very moment, Miss Parker will stare at her twin with disgust. “Seriously, Nine-Fingers, don't you have any other lines?”

Mr. Lyle, on the other hand, not only will desmiss his sister's remark, he will blow her a raspberry. Childish, yes. He can be quite imature sometimes.

“I just don't see what the big deal is. You wore a leopard thong in the episode 'Cold Dick'.”

“That is irrelevant,” Mr. Raines will say. “It's a new universe now, haven't you heard?”

“You're right!” Miss Parker will say and that realization will bring a genuine smile to her face. “It is a new universe and I'm the only one of us in it! Plus Daddy is still alive.”

Mr. Raines will try to disrupt her happiness by saying “He's not your father.” which will earn him a lawsuit from Alex for stealing one of his lines.

“For now, he is.”

“You mean, we're not here?” Lyle will ask.


“Then, where are we?”

“Probably in some basement, accumulating dust.”

“When I was a kid locked up in a shed, I would dream about being locked up in a basement.”

Which brings us to door number two. In it, Mr. Lyle will try to appeal to Mr. Raines sense of responsability by saying:

“C'mon daaaad!”

In order to keep this story from getting too annoying, Miss Parker will perform a tricky procedure on Mr. Lyle known as 'foot on the windpipe' which will mostly be a kick on his neck.

“Shut up!”

“Haven't I told you not to hit your brother?”

“He's not my brother, anymore than you're my father.”

“I may not be your father, but Mr. Parker isn't either. Steve and Craig already hinted at that...”

“You're just afraid they're not planning on using you anytime soon. Or ever, for that matter.”

“They can not let go off me! I am the Chairman!”

“Just watch them.”

“No!!! I must stop them!”

Before she realizes it, Mr. Raines will be gone from the room. Miss Parker will ignore this because with him gone and Mr. Lyle whinning on the floor, she is the only one deemed fit to sit at the Chairman's chair. Which she will do and, in doing so, door number three shall be opened.

The three will be arguing once again and this time it will be Miss Parker who will put a stop to it. However, she will not punch the table, nor will she say anything to bring the discussion to an end. After taking a peak at doors one and two, she will know by then that there will be only one thing for her to do: leave.

She will grab her things, ignore the two men telling her to sit down and walk out of the office. From there, she will go to the elevator, down to the lobby, go past all the people with their Christmas outfits, including Sydney and Broots and Cornelius and Angelo and every one from old and new Universe, get into her car and drive home.

Once at home, she will kick her shoes off, lie on her couch and dream about a time when nights used to be warm and pleasant. Until Jarod calls at 3 am, that is.



The End

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