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Disclaimer: Come on, people. we know *I* don't own 'em... Oh, well, *SIGH*. I don't own 'em... Wish I did... But, nah, I don't.....

'Nother one: I don't know if this is too dark... But it just came out like it did... Sorry, if it's REALLY BAD....Sorry for any errors, and if it sucks, don't bite me. :)
-M.

= Parker's Thoughts...

***************
 


Never Worth It
by -M.



The tears were unstoppable. She couldn't stop them... Change anything...
They came in huge waves.

She felt her chest collapse and then fill again, as she sucked in air... The pain, was incredible. It ate away at her soul... Burning her flesh and distorting her vision...

She stumbled into the bathroom, tears blocking her vision. The void was there, it always had been.  On some days she ignored it... But it never did. She felt it eating away at her life.... Reaching her at her weakest moment...

It never did.

She felt her world spinning... Would it EVER go away?! She prayed to God, with trembling fingers, her hands shaking and her sobs taking over her...

No answer. There never was one... She was always alone... Always.

The pain grew, and her rage grew as well. She wanted to cause damage to this body, this mortal body that had caused her so much pain. Which had inflicted so much distress on her....

She blindly groped for the razor, hid carefully under the sink... She unraveled it, form it's cotton protection. It gleamed in the light... She felt it's coolness on her skin... She held it for a few seconds... Time seemed to slow down... The blade seemed to burn into her flesh…

Her mind screamed,

In a quick movement she drew the razor across the soft flesh of her forearm, winced as it pierced her flesh.

The blood trickled slowly down her arm and she watch it with fascination...

The Question penetrated her silent reverie like a lightning bolt in the dark of night.

She looked down at her blood, scarlet red compared to the white of her arm... She shuddered in horror.

She reached for a piece of toilet paper and pressed it against her arm...

She stood up on shaking knees and moved to her First Aid kit, and wrapped her arm in a bandage.

When she finished... She looked down at her arm... And gagged. She made her way into the bathroom, and threw herself at the cool, white porcelain of her toilet.

She let herself go, and retched. As if she was releasing something vile fr
om inside of her, when she was done, sitting on her folded legs, she felt ...

elevated. She didn't feel happy. She didn't feel sad. She felt... What was the word?... Indifferent...

The shrill ringing of her phone called her to attention. She pulled it out of her shirt and she answered it, the sick and acid taste of vile in her throat.

"What?" She answered, helplessly.

"Was it worth it?"

Jarod. God Damned Jarod. Of all times. She remained silent.

"Was it worth it?" He asked again violently, rage penetrating his voice.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't you play those Goddamned games with me, Parker!" He roared.

She was silent.

He spoke again, tears choking him.

"You wanted to give up... You *almost gave up...*"

His tone, full of sadne, anger and tears, more than his words shocked her.

"I... I don't want... I don't want the pain anymore, Jarod..." She said honestly. "I want it to go away..."

"It will *never* go away... But it will get better... If you deal with it."

"I don't want to." She stated, flatly.

Jarod was silent. After what seemed like an eternity...:

"Then go ahead and finish your mission." He spoke with such bitterness... "But answer me this: What kept you back Parker? What stopped you?"

"I..." She could not finish. What could she say?

"It was Sydney, wasn't it? Or was it Broots? What kept you from falling?" It had been both of them. How did he know? Had he analyzed her so quickly?

"How... How did you know?"

"Because I've tried the same thing... And I know who kept me from falling... It was Sydney. It was my family. It was my mom, my dad... My sister... My brother..." He paused. "And most of all, it was you."

Miss Parker was shocked.

"Of everyone, Miss Parker, I admire you... How much you have been able to go through. I've been through a lot of it too... And you've not fallen to the sin, I have tried..." Then he added, "Until recently."

"... I... It was Sydney. And Broots. And it was you Jarod. I... I didn't want... I didn't want the pain on you three... As sappy as it sounds... You keep me alive... A pain in the ass sometimes... But... You've been there... And… I couldn't leave."

There was silence.  No speaking. She could hear her breath, just as he could hear his.

"Then don't."

She opened her mouth to say something.

"Don't leave. Fight it, fight your demons until you can't any longer."

"What if I can't...?"

"You can. And you will. I'll always be behind you. Fighting mine along side yours."

"Jarod, I..."

"Don't say anything."

"I--"

"Shh. Quiet. Listen. It's never worth it. NEVER. You were put on this Earth, to do something. You are special, you are loved. It's never worth it. Never. No matter how horrible or pathetic you feel. You are worth it. And you can never give up. When life kicks you in the knee, you keep going. When it knocks you down, you keep going. You, go, spit in life's face. Tell it: 'I'm pulling through. You can't throw me down. I won't let you. I am worth it. I am strong, and I will survive. ' It's never worth it, Parker, NEVER."

Miss Parker was crying, not sobbing, but tears streamed down her face.

"Thank You." Was all she could manage.

"No thanks, it was truth. Now, turn off the lights, shut the doors, climb into bed and sleep."

And for once, Miss Parker listened.
 

THE END










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