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notes: Please don't hurt me, it's just a parody. Apparently mostly of my own fics. Huh. In which case I'll try not to hurt me. Anyway, a sort of joke alternative to The World is Changing.

Pretty Broken Things




“But I’ve trapped you in a dungeon, and not just any dungeon. This one has leaky ceilings and dripping chains. We’re underground in a building so sophisticated we could survive a nuclear bomb going off and I manage to get leaky ceilings and dripping chains!”

Jarod shrugged.

“I got you mood lighting that constantly flared on and off!”

No response.

“I zapped you with a car battery, for God’s sakes.”

Jarod sighed slightly. This never happened in the movies, so it really was typical it would happen to him. “Look, Lyle, I’m flattered. But all of this doesn’t make me want to have sex with you.”

Lyle looked dejected. “But I’m even wearing white.”

Jarod shrugged again, conveying with a simple movement the complexities of sorry, it just doesn’t do anything for me, try again maybe? How, who knows? But he is a genius, after all.

There was a moment’s pause while Lyle thought about things. “Maybe if I whispered about your family again?” Lyle said hopefully.

“Maybe,” Jarod replied generously, because he might be an asshole sometimes, but he wasn’t a complete jerk.

If you want to hear about mommy and daddy, you’ve just got to trust me.”

Jarod remained impassive.

“Well?”

Jarod looked a little sheepish. “Sorry?”

Lyle gave an aggravated huff of breath. “Dammit! This isn’t how it goes. You’re suppose to be all broken and dejected and want to have sex with me.”

Jarod didn’t bother to point out there was a rather big jump between those two things. It would only depress Lyle.

“Do you think you’d like me in Africa?” Lyle asked, a little desperately. “Perhaps enough that you will consider taking over the Centre with me? Or even having a threesome with Miss Parker, maybe?”

Jarod considered. “Would you still be wearing the white suit?”

“Probably not,” said Lyle.

“Could do.”

“Great!” cried Lyle. “Sam, get ready to transport him!”











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