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You’re crazy. I yell at him, scream at him but he never gets it through his thick head he just keeps on running I continue to chase. He can’t out run them; they’ll always be there one step behind. Why doesn’t he just give up, give in. Come back to the Centre like a good little Labrat. Maybe they’ll be lenient is it really so bad.
Think hell, with nicer furniture.
You’re mind is still in servitude as is my heart I can’t leave and you can’t stay. The difficulty is of your own making.
I whisper you catch the drift. The fact they still don’t know they never found out, it’s danger it’s temptation the reason you’ll always return. I could turn our connection against you. So many times I’ve been angry enough to. Anger clouds judgement, I know where you are but subconsciously I always miss. Always moments too late something always comes up. You left me! Why should I care? Why should I risk my career, my life for your sorry ass every day of my crappy existence? Something we still both share that misunderstanding couldn’t smother.
You are crazy yet so am I. About you, with you. You make me crazy with guilt with love with dissatisfaction. My frail grip on my psyche is slipping. Has been for years and I’m close to the edge now. One kiss would save me, even one brush with you just some contact. Something to hold on to. But, if I allowed that to happen I’d never let go.
He’s Concerned. Good old reliable Syd. I’ve been growing more distant less focussed my thoughts dominated by you. But that’s the job isn’t it? To think breath and… you. I can’t finish that sentence. I can’t make concessions for my failure. My aim, off course when ever your at the end of my gun. Don’t you think I could have shot you by now? I could have shot myself by now. Every day I have the opportunity to die and escape my misery. But you’re always in the way. The mental boundary, is you.
“Why do you always start a sentence with his name.”
I glare at him for noticing, conceal genuine sadness, walk away. If I could tell anyone it could be him. But to say out loud what I feel would be to admit. I can’t do that. Not now maybe never. I cannot accept unrequited. That’s all our relationship could ever be because you don’t remember. Not fully! Maybe mentally! But not physically, or emotionally. I mean less to you than the strangers you rescue everyday. I was a distraction from the darkness when you needed it. A connection to the outside world but now we’ve switched positions and you are not willing to do the same. Instead of saving me with light you bury me in the darkness, in the past.
“I never asked for the truth Jarod.”
The words are greeted with disbelief.
“Surely any sane person would want to understand where they came from.
(Ouch that hurt)
What has been done to them Surely anyone would want to be shown the light.”
“It’s not light, it’s darkness. I’d moved on you only dragged me back.”
He hangs up at that point. Doesn’t wait for the rest. I’m a lost cause and he’ll move on no big deal not, to him. In a twisted realm of my mind it was the truth. The rest he refused to here. But I didn’t really want to tell him the whole truth especially if he wasn’t prepared to listen. He never tells me the whole truth. Yes, it’s true. I didn’t want to be dragged back. I didn’t want to be sucked from Corperate into a time warp of regret. But once I was there. Everybody needs to open his or her eyes sometime.
“You’re erratic Parker.”
The glass is ripped from my hand. It’s the only thing I really notice. I’m no longer focussed. I lost my focus when I lost him.
“The truth hurts Syd.”
He is analysing the statement. The words were slurred and cryptic in meaning. He’s up to the challenge; I’m not up to the fight.
“He really cared about you Parker.”
“Nobody cares Syd, they always have an ulterior motive.”
I’m surprised I even got that sentence out. It sounded as fuzzy as the world was beginning to appear.
“Did he ask for too much?”
“He asked for the truth. I think he said I was crazy.”
Surely any sane person…
Yep those are the exact words echoing in my mind. Funny how we only ever remember the bad.
What a funny question, I look at him quizzically. Ask a stupid question get a stupid answer.
For some reason that’s funny but my laughter is cut short by unconsciousness. I admit it only takes two glasses and I’d say I’d definitely had more than two before Syd’s classic interruption.
I’m drifting at the edge of consciousness. Light-headedness accentuates the nightmares just out of reach. I won’t remember them when I wake. I won’t remember what upset or disturbed me only that something did.
“Sydney, Where the hell am I?”
I groan at the weight of a massive earthquake between my ears. Pain runs through all nerve endings and it seems to be spreading not lessening. I try to lift my head but fall back in agony. Instead focussing on the daunting task of opening my eyes. Lifting my eyelids is like lifting weights. Light invades and I call out again. Someone’s there, I don’t know if it’s him. A cool hand soothes the feverish ache in my head at the same time burning my skin. My arms stings and the banging in my head ceases. I open my eyes stare directly into his. Try to move away but I’m too weak Syd’s somewhere in the background. I sense his presence as I could even with my eyes closed. I don’t have to see him to know he is there.
I was aiming for sharp it came out soft, almost gentle. I need to get away.
“Not giving up on me are you Miss Parker?”
His tone is so warm. So much more, gentle than it had been that night on the phone. If only I could match it with bitter sarcasm we’d be back to normal.
“I here you’ve been having problems with focus.”
I missed my cue
Not on you’re life.
Was the customary answer? If I could see Syd I’d glare at him instead I frown at the atmosphere, but it aggravates the numbed headache and I’m forced to smooth my expression to neutral. I’m at a loss for words, doesn’t happen very often but I’m at a loss for feelings and that’s the side effect.
“I don’t know what you just gave me.”
I finally giggle as the drug takes further effect.
“But it really works.”
“It was Sydney’s concoction Miss Parker.”
He explains so as not to alarm me. Instead I’m suspicious.
“What the hell did you give me freud and can one bulk buy?”
Another peal of laughter wells in my throat I feel light as air, as unconcerned as ‘wheat’? (What the hell kind of description is that.) He’s looking at me strangely. They both are I know it. Maybe it’s finally happened I’m certifiably insane. It’s not like it doesn’t run in the family. Jarod leans closer deep, overwhelming concern in his eyes. I wish it was something more, something entirely different. But concern will do I’ve slept with men for less. Including my brother. Now where did that memory come from? It was only one time and nobody knows. Great, now I’m getting defensive, arguing with… ‘Myself?’
My hand reaches up independent of thought and I run my fingers gently through his hair. If Sydney’s drug doesn’t wear out of my system soon I’ll do something I’ll either regret or even worse enjoy. It’s his eyes that do it not to mention that cute smile, to hell with it I’m done for.
“I love you Jarod.”
I giggle with warmth, part of me separating and watching myself committing the unthinkable. The fractured sane realm of my mind waits for the look of horror to cross his face. The rejection as he tears himself away. Maybe he’ll just smile tolerantly I figure a moment later when there is no obvious effect. His smile does not waver, if possible increases in the warmth of disbelief. He looks accusingly almost jokingly to Sydney.
“What did you give her Syd? It seems to have a profound effect.”
Syd smiles warmly almost slyly. I feel betrayed, in a good way if that’s possible, if I was myself I’d have either blown up or killed him by now, or at least considered the two scenarios behind a facade of cold steel, but I’m not myself.
“Just a mild barbiturate mixed with equal parts of truth serum.”
I want to yell at him but instead I laugh.
“I am so going to kill you for this Syd.”
The threats a joke, reactions dissociated, part of me wants to hug him for the touch of genius. A person divided against them self cannot stand, or kill.
I sense as he reads the conflict in my eyes. They both laugh genuinely for a moment I feel as if they really care. But fear showers bullets of doubt into my heart. I said I loved him,
Everyone I’ve ever loved has died. I here Sydney’s voice at a distance.
“It will wear off soon, unfortunately there’s side effects but at least it bypasses the pain of the hangover.”
“Syd, would they have anything to do with paranoia because I think I’m going to panic.”
My voice is stricken and the shadows start to close in, the consequences the guilt. I here their reassuring voices but I also here the voices of accusation, it’s all my fault. I’m insecure, innocent, guilty, helpless, a child again.
“Help me Syd!”
But, it’s a short nightmare, a highlight piece of all the ones I usually can’t remember. Its surprising how much better I feel, almost free, almost loved yet still as insecure.
“I love you too Parker.”
I look up in shock, If it’s true I guess that takes care of insecurity but can I dare believe.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me before you Jerk.”
I’m trying not to smile as his arms encompass me. Security, warmth it must be a dream. Maybe we’re both insane.
I speak his name in hope, more emotion than I intended to show.
“Oh, Parker you miss me? What’s wrong you never answer the phone with ‘civility’!”
I smile at the incredulous tone with which he accentuates the word.
“You didn’t think I’d give up that easy, did you?”
“No J, not that easy.”
I can sense his puzzlement through the phone but he seems shrug off my gentleness as a technical fault distracted by something else.
“Something bothering you Jarod?”
“Why yes actually, I just had the strangest dream.”
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