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When did it happen? When did I stop feeling? I've been wondering that for a while now, ever since Tommy. I hadn't realized it until I had met him. I just took for granted that I was feeling something, but really I've been dead inside for years. But Tommy had slowly gotten through to me, making me really look at myself in the mirror and see the true Miss Parker, not the mask I wear every day. It's surprising, really, since he never seemed my 'type'. I guess he was just the right type at the right time to help wake me up. But he's gone, leaving me stuck alone with these feelings I've rediscovered. Passion. Concern. Love.
Now there's the revelation of Raines' little Frankenstein experiment that has somehow gotten to me. He looks so much like Jarod..who am I kidding, he *is* Jarod. And looking at that kid, seeing the pain in his eyes, pain I saw in those same eyes oh so many years ago..I suddenly realized that I've been behaving like I was at eleven, trying to be the proper Miss, not letting Daddy down. Have to be Daddy's little Angel and be strong. Showing feeling, hell, feeling at all is considered being weak, and we all know what happens to those who are weak.
So, when did it happen? I suppose when my mother died, that was the main catalyst. Then, slowly, with my father's encouragement..no, insistence, I became an automaton, doing what was required of me and holding back on feelings, eventually shutting myself off.
It seems funny to me that one man who I normally wouldn't have looked twice at and a young boy have sent me into this state of self-analysis.
The boy. Jarod. Mom. They're all tied together, all tied to *me*, no matter what I may like to believe. Thinking back to when I was a child, when I first met Jarod, at the time I certainly didn't think much of him, but he was another kid, he was there, so I figured I'd spend time with him, make Mom and Daddy happy since they encouraged it. But soon I found myself enjoying his company, liking to be able to talk to someone closer to my own age, not that I would ever have, or would now, admit it to him.
Life seemed so much more simple back then, but I suppose it always does when you're a kid. You don't understand how bloody complicated it all gets once you've hit adulthood. But I was thrown into it a lot sooner than I needed to be when my mother died. Eventually I stopped caring what was going on with Jarod because if I showed any interest, if I showed any *feeling*, my father would give me one of his stern looks and tell me not to be so weak. I would pass Jarod in one of the corridors and he would try to get my attention, but I shut him out. There was one time he did get me to look at him before someone dragged him away from me. His eyes screamed out in pain and hurt to me, making my mask fall, making me feel again for the briefest of moments. But quickly Daddy was there, telling me that I was his good, strong Angel, and my mask returned, giving him what he wanted.
Since then, I've been fooling myself. Fooling me, fooling everyone around me into thinking that I was showing some emotion from time to time, when it was all a very controlled mask, nothing more.
I've been afraid to feel anything, afraid to show weakness, or what I thought of as weakness. I've come to realize though that hiding behind a mask is much more cowardly than having the courage to take the plunge and lay my feelings bare. Like my mother. I just hope that I have half her strength to continue on to do what I need to do now. To live again. To feel.
The End
