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Disclaimer: At this point I don’t think I even own my disclaimer. Of course, to avoid any legal proceedings, I’ll just let you in on a little secret, the characters of the Pretender are NOT mine, capitalized, underlined, bolded and italicized for emphasis. Also, given the title of this little fic, the storyline isn’t mine either. However, Shakespeare’s work is public domain, as far as I know, so I can’t get sued for copying the plights of his characters nor the circumstances in which they occur. Anyway, my copy of the play is the paperback Signet Classic version, so, if anything about the play is written wrong, it’s their fault…please don’t sue me or send the Shakespeare Society after me…

Summary: Based on the title, you already know how this is going to end, but you can come along for the ride if you like. Jarod and Ms. Parker live the storyline of Romeo and Juliet. In play format, with rewritten dialogue, iambic pentameter, and several of Shakespeare’s original lines. Act 1 Scene 1-the civil brawl/Romeo’s lovesick heart.

Author’s Note: I’ve taken liberties with some of the casting choices. I’m rewriting the story to fit the Pretender plotline and I should hopefully be covering any plot discrepancies. The Old English dialect has been maintained, to the best of my ability, while trying to simplify a few of Shakespeare’s more confusing lines. You can check my iambic pentameter if you want, because it’s most definitely not perfect (Specifically where names are involved), but I only suggest counting out unstressed and stressed syllables when you are very VERY bored. Thanks for reading!

The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet

By Bec-Bec and William Shakespeare (Love ya Will!)

[Dramatis Personae {Cast in order of appearance}

Ben Miller
as Chorus

as Samson, servant to Capulet & the Clown (Act 1 Scene 2) & Nurse (Act 1 Scene 3) & Second Servingman (Act 1 Scene 5 & Act 4 Scene 2) & Second Fellow (Act 4 Scene 4) & Second Musician (Act 4 Scene 5) & Second Watchman (Act 5 Scene 3)

as Gregory, Servant to Capulet & Third Servingman (Act 1 Scene 5) & Servingmen (Act 4 Scene 2) & First Fellow (Act 4 Scene 4) & First Musician (Act 4 Scene 5) & Third Watchman (Act 5 Scene 3)

as Abram, servant to Montague & a Masker (Act 1 Scene 4) & Men (Act 3 Scene 1)

as Balthasar, servant to Romeo & Servant (Act 1 Scene 2) & a Masker (Act 1 Scene 4) & a Servingman (Act 1 Scene 5) & Men (Act 3 Scene 1) & Page (Act 3 Scene 1)

(Angelo) as Benvolio, nephew of Montague and friend to Romeo

Mr. Lyle
as Tybalt, nephew of Lady Capulet

A Police Officer
as Police Officer

as Citizens of Verona & Maskers and Torchbearers (Act 1 Scene 4)

Mr. Parker
as Capulet

as Lady Capulet, wife to Capulet

Major Charles
as Montague

as Lady Montague, wife to Montague

Member of the Triumvirate
as Escalus, Prince of Verona

as Romeo, son of Montague

as Paris, a young count, kinsman to the Prince

Ms. Parker
as Juliet, daughter of Capulet

as Nurse to Juliet & Friar Lawrence

as Mercutio, kinsmen to Prince and friend to Romeo

("Bloodlines") as First Servingman (Act 1 Scene 5) & Citizen (Act 3 Scene 1) & Third Musician (Act 4 Scene 5)

Centre Employees
as Guests and Gentlewoman

Mr. Raines
as Second Capulet (Act 1 Scene 5) & An Apothecary

as Peter, servant to Juliet’s Nurse & Nurse (Act 3 Scenes 2 & 3 & Act 4 Scene 5) & Page (Act 5 Scene 3) & Chief Watchman (Act 5 Scene 3)

as Train & Fellows & Musicians & Watchmen & Attendants

Father Moore
("At the Hour of Our Death" & "The World Is Changing") as Friar John

Verona {Blue Cove}; Mantua {Dover}]

Chapter 1

The Prologue

[Enter Chorus {Enter Ben Miller staring sadly at the Centre}]

Ben Miller:
Two households, both alike in dignity

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes 5

A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;

Whose misadventured piteous overthrows

Doth with their death bury their parents’ strife.

The fearful passage of their death-marked love,

And the continuance of their parents’ rage, 10

Which, but their children’s end, naught could remove,

Is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage;

The which if you with patient ears attend,

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.


[Act 1

Scene 1
Verona {Blue Cove} A public place {Jarod’s latest Lair, a hotel in Blue Cove}].

Enter Sampson and Gregory, with swords and bucklers, of the house of Capulet {Willie and Sam, with guns, sweepers of the Centre}.

Sam, on my word, we’ll not be outwitted.

No, for then alas we would be done for.

I mean, if we be in danger, we’ll draw.

Ay, while you live, draw your life from death’s hold.

I strike quickly, being jeered to draw. 5

But thou art not jeered to draw quickly.

A plan of Jarod will jeer me to draw.

To strike at Jarod’s jeer is to lose, and to be valiant is to disregard. Therefore, if thou strike, thou admits defeat.

A jeer of his shall move me to strike. I shall overcome all plans of Jarod’s. 10

That shows thee a weak slave; for the weakest strike at jeers.

’Tis true; and therefore Ms. Parker, being of the weaker vessels, is ever striking at his jeers. Therefore, I will strike not at Jarod’s jeer but at his plans and kill his kinsmen.

The quarrel is between the Centre and us merely their men.

’Tis all one. I will show myself the stronger. When I have conquered Jarod, I will be civil with his kin-I will cut of their heads. 15

The heads of his kin?

Ay, the heads of his kin or their lives. Take it in what sense thou wilt.

They must take it in the sense that they shall feel it.

Me they shall feel while I am still able to fight; and ’tis known that I am not defeated easily.

’Tis well thou art not weak, if thou hadst thou would be dead. Draw thy weapon! Here come two of Jarod’s men. 20

Enter two other Servingmen {Argyle and Gemini, with guns}

My gun is drawn. Fight! I will back thee.

How? Turn thy back and run?

Fear not my assistance.

No. I fear thee will not back me!

Let us hold the upper hand; let them strike first. 25

I will shoot as they pass by, and let them take it as they will.

Nay, as they dare. I will kill them, which is defeat to them if they die.

Do you shoot at us, sir?

{Guns Drawn at heads.}

I do shoot, sir.

Do you shoot at us, sir? 30

Willie. [Aside to Sam]
Am I against orders if I say ay?

Sam. [Aside to Willie]

No, sir, I do not shoot at you, sir; but I shoot, sir.

Do you shoot, sir?

Shoot, sir? No, sir. 35

But if you do, sir, I am your man. I am as strong as thee.

No better.

Well, sir.

Enter Benvolio {Timmy (Angelo), with a gun}.

Say "better." Here comes Mr. Lyle.

Yes, better, sir. 40

Argyle. You lie.

Shoot if you be men. Sam, remember thy orders.

They fight.

Part fools!

Put down your guns. You know not what you do.

Enter Tybalt {Mr. Lyle, gun drawn}.

What, art thou victims drawn among these men? 45

Turn thee, Timmy and look upon thy death.

I do but keep the peace. Put down your gun,

Or manage it to part these men with me.

What, drawn, and talk of peace? I hate the word

As I hate hell, all Jarod’s men and thee. 50

Come strike, Timmy, you coward! [i>They fight].

Enter [an officer {Police Officer}, and] three or four Citizens with clubs or partisans {citizens, staring}.

Reinforcements! Help to stop them! Drop thy weapons! Stop thy shooting!

Enter old Capulet in his gown, and his Wife {Mr. Parker and Brigitte, at a distance in a limousine}.

Mr. Parker.
What noise is this? Give me my gun, Brigitte!

Ay me! My lord, why call you for a gun?

Mr. Parker
. My gun, I say! Major Charles is come 55

And draws his gun to strike at me in spite.

Enter old Montague and his Wife {Major Charles and Margaret, at a distance, hiding}.

Major Charles.
Thou villain Parker-Stop me not; let me shoot.

Thou shalt not stir one foot to seek a foe.

Enter Prince Escalus, with his Train {Member of the Triumvirate, with his sweepers, to stop the fight}.

Member of the Triumvirate.
Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,

Profaners of these guns- bloodstainèd rods- 60

Will they not hear? Withdraw! You men, you beasts,

That quench the fire of your illbasèd rage

With purple fountains issuing from your veins!

On pain of torture, from those bloody hands

Throw your illusèd weapons to the ground 65

And hear the orders of the Triumvirate.

These civil brawls, bred of old rage and hate

By thee old Centre and thee old Jarod,

Have oft disturbed the purpose of our work

And made the Centre’s brave and loyal men 70

Cast by their jobs and in their quickness draw

To shoot and strike on open streets in view

Consumèd by your fight to end your toil.

If ever you disturb these streets again,

Your lives shall pay the forfeit of the peace. 75

For this time all the rest depart away.

You, Lyle, are to go along with me;

And, men of Jarod, take your peace and leave,

To know you hold the fortune of freedom,

To part these brawls without a consequence 80

Once more, on pain of death, all men depart.

Exeunt [all but Montague, his Wife, and Benvolio {Major Charles and Margaret are joined by Timmy}].

Major Charles.
Who set this quarrel new upon the streets

Speak, Timmy, were you by when it began?

Here were the sweepers of the Centre-by

And Jarod’s friends, close fighting, when I came. 85

I drew to part them. And that instant brought

The fearsome Lyle, with his gun drawn forth;

Which, as he breathed defiance to my ears,

He fired at the air in rage and struck,

Though, nothing shot, he hissed in scorn and hate. 90

While we exchanged our thrusts and blows in spite,

Came more and more inquiring citizens,

Till the Triumvirate came, and parted all.

O, where is Jarod? Saw you him today?

Right glad I am he was not at this fray. 95

Madam, an hour before the worshipped sun

Peered forth the golden window of the East,

A troubled mind drove me to walk abroad;

Where, underneath the grove of sycamore

That’s westward growing from this city’s side, 100

So early walking did I see your son.

Towards him I went, but he saw me move forth

And stole into the covert of the wood.

I, measuring his true feelings by my own,

Which then most wanted to be left alone, 105

Being then too much comp’ny for just myself,

Pursued my leisure then and left him his,

And gladly ignored he who fled from me.

Major Charles.
Many a morning hath he there been seen,

With tears augmenting the fresh morning’s dew, 110

Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs;

But all so soon as the all-cheering sun

Should in the farthest East begin to draw

The darkness from the brightened morning sky,

Away from light steals home my saddened son 115

And private in his chamber closes himself,

Shuts up his windows, locks fair daylight out,

And makes himself an artificial night.

Poor and unhealthy will this mood soon prove

Unless good counsel may remove the cause. 120
Timmy. Sir, Major Charles, do you know the cause?

Major Charles.
I neither know it nor can learn of him.

Have you urged him by any means to tell?

Major Charles.
Both by myself and many other friends;

But he, his feelings’ only counselor, 125

Is to himself-I will not say how true-

But to himself so secret and so close,

So far from measuring feelings of his own,

And subdued to his grievous pensive state

Ere, he cannot discover his feelings’ depth 130

Or sense the full effect they have on him.

Could we but learn from whence his sorrows grow,

We would as willingly give cure as know.

Enter Romeo {Jarod}.

See, where he comes. So please you step aside;

I’ll learn his grievance, or be much denied. 135

Major Charles. I hope thou art fortunate to receive

His confession true. Come madam, let’s away.

Exeunt [Montague and Wife {Major Charles and Margaret, exit}].

Good morning, my friend.


Is the day so young?

’Tis just past nine.


Ay me! Sad hours seem long.

Was that my father that went hence so fast? 140

It was. What sadness lengthens Jarod’s hours?

Not having that which having makes them short.

In love?


Of love? 145

Out of her favor where I am in love.

Alas that love, so mild in its appearance

Should be so tyrannous and rough in truth!

Alas that love, whose view is obscured so,

Should without eyes see pathways to its will! 150

Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here?

Yet, tell me not, for I have heard it all.

Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.

Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate,

O anything, of nothing first created! 155

O heavy lightness, serious vanity,

Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms,

Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health,

Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!

This love feel I, that feel no love in this.160

Doust thou not laugh?


No, friend, I rather weep.

Good heart, at what?


At thy good heart’s oppression.

Why, such is love’s transgression.

Griefs of mine own lie heavy on my heart, 165

Which thou wilt burden further, split and break,

With more of thine. This love that thou hast shown

Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs;

Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes; 170

Being vexed, a sea nourished with loving tears.

What is it else? A madness most discreet.

A choking rage, and a preserving sweet.

Farewell, my friend.


Wait! I will go along

And if you leave me so, you do me wrong. 175

Hah! I have lost myself; I am not here;

This is not Jarod, he’s some other place.

Tell me in true seriousness, who thou loves.

What, shall I groan and tell thee?


Groan? Why no;

But truly tell me who. 180

Bid a sick man in truth to make his plight.

Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill!

In truth, to my friend, I do love a woman.

I aimed so near when I supposed you loved.

A right good aim, friend. And she’s fair I love. 185

A plight easily seen, friend, oft is soonest hit.

Well, in that hit you miss. She’ll not be hit

With Cupid’s arrow. She is too adept,

And in strong hold of feelings in her heart, 190

From Love’s weak childish bow she lives uncharmed.

She will not meet the siege of loving terms,

Nor join with looks of love from staring eyes.

Nor ope’ her heart to saint-seducing souls.

O, she is rich in beauty; only poor 195

That, when she dies, she leaves with none her love.

Then she hath sworn to live without a love?

She hath, and in that act she made huge waste.

For beauty, starved without a shred of love,

Cuts beauty off from all posterity. 200

She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair,

To feel much joy by making me despair.

She hath forsworn to love, and in that vow

Do I live dead that live to tell it now.

Listen to me; forget to think of her. 205

O, teach me how I should forget to think!

By giving liberty unto thine eyes.

Examine other beauties.


’Tis the way

To keep hers, far more exquisite, in mind.

These happy masks that ladies’ faces hold, 210

Being bright, make us believe they hide the fair.

He that is strucken blind cannot forget

The precious treasure of his eyesight lost.

Show me a mistress that is passing fair:

What doth her beauty serve but as a note 215

To remind me of she who is more fair?

Farewell. Thou canst not teach me to forget.

I’ll teach thee, or else die while I attempt.


Author’s Note: Forgive me if I ruined the whole love/lust at first sight part of the play, but I didn’t feel like having Jarod moan about love problems with Zoe. Love problems with Parker, on the other hand, make perfect sense. I hope you enjoyed my rendition of the play. Thoughts and comments would be appreciated. Thanks for reading! Love Ya!

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