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Chapter or Story 
Chapter or Story
A Not so Perfect World Part 4
Coffee and Nightmares
By Phenyx 12/12/02
Once Parker had finally drifted off last night, she had slept dreamlessly. She had woken an hour ago feeling well rested and refreshed. She had eventually gotten out of bed and dressed simply in a pair of jeans and a sweater. Parker was sitting at the vanity in her bedroom brushing her hair when she heard the muffled sound of glass breaking in another part of the house.
Parker walked down the hall and peeked into the empty guest room. The bed covers were wrinkled as though someone had lain on top of the blankets for a time. But the covers hadn't been pulled back.
Jarod had evidently spent part of the night in the living room. As Parker wandered through and passed the couch, she could see several magazines and newspapers lying on the cushions and scattered on the floor. The coffee table was littered with articles that had been clipped from the newspapers. A quick glance told Parker that the stories dealt with a variety of topics. There was no consistent theme.
The television was on and tuned in to an episode of M*A*S*H*.
Parker found Jarod in the kitchen. He hadn't noticed her presence so she stopped and stood in the doorway, watching him. Jarod was dressed in the black silk pajamas that she had bought for him the day before. He pushed the long sleeves of the shirt up to his elbows and crouched on the floor next to a shattered glass, a dustpan and brush in his hands.
Jarod was mumbling to himself as he swept up the broken pieces. When he tilted the fragments into the garbage can, the smooth sleeves of his shirt slid down his arms and he shoved the cuffs back up to his elbows with a frustrated motion. Jarod very deliberately put the garbage can and other items back where they belonged.
Jarod then went to the cupboard and pulled a cup from the shelf. He carefully placed the cup on the counter and swore softly when his shirtsleeves again slid down to his wrists. He poured himself a cup of coffee from the carafe. Jarod then stirred two spoonfuls of sugar into the mug, pushed his shirtsleeves up again and added two more scoops of sweetener to his drink.
Miss Parker watched silently as Jarod moved to the refrigerator to fetch a carton of milk. When the sleeves of his shirt slipped down his arms for the fourth time, Jarod shoved the refrigerator door closed, and slammed the milk carton onto the countertop with a growl. He angrily reached up between his shoulder blades with one hand and yanked the shirt over his head without undoing any of the buttons.
Muttering a slew of unintelligible oaths between clenched teeth, Jarod furiously crumbled the shirt into a ball and hurled the silk across the room.
As the black cloth fluttered softly to the floor, Jarod saw Miss Parker standing in the doorway. He swallowed hard and sighed.
Parker glared at the puddle of silk on the floor then glanced at Jarod questioningly. "Temper, temper." She scolded him.
He shrugged. "I'm sorry, Parker. It was irritating me. I don't like the long sleeves."
Parker smiled at him in consolation. "Don't worry about it." She said as she stooped down to pick up the shirt, folding it carefully as she stood.
Parker crossed her arms and gazed intently at Jarod. He obviously hadn't gotten any rest during the night. His eyes were badly bloodshot and his anxiety was almost a tangible thing.
Wearing the silk pajama pants low on his hips, Jarod still provided Miss Parker with an admirable view. His torso was sculpted and muscular. A definitive line traced down the middle of his body from the base of his throat past his navel to disappear into the elastic waist of the pajamas.
"But you said that I had to wear them." Jarod mocked.
Her smile turned predatory. "That'll do." Parker said fluttering her hand at him to indicate his current attire.
"Then you approve?" Jarod asked playfully. His bare chest rippled as Jarod crossed his arms, mimicking Parker's stance.
Parker slowly raked her gaze down Jarod's body. "Definitely." She purred.
Jarod managed to act blasé for about five seconds before he shifted uncomfortably and began to blush. "I'll be right back." He mumbled as he scurried from the room.
Parker laughed caustically. "You run and I chase, Jarod!" She called after him.
When Jarod returned a few minutes later, he was clad in tan cargo pants. He wore a white undershirt beneath a black unbuttoned shirt. The shirttails hung around his waist casually.
Parker was pouring herself a cup of coffee. "You didn't sleep last night." She stated.
Jarod shrugged.
"I called Sydney. He should be here shortly." Parker said slowly. Not knowing how to broach the subject, Parker just went at it head on. "I think we need to learn more about this dream of yours."
Jarod glanced up from his coffee in alarm. "I don't remember anything." He said.
"Sydney can help you remember. You know that." She said gently.
Jarod looked around the room nervously. "But there has to be a reason that I can't recall it. I don't think I want to remember."
Parker sighed. "Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, Jarod. Something you would rather not face." She watched Jarod carefully as he plucked an imaginary piece of lint from his new pants.
"You can't keep this up much longer." She whispered. Parker crossed the room to stand beside him. "We need to do this."
"I know." Jarod responded so softly that Parker barely heard his words.
Parker patted his arm in understanding.
When the doorbell rang a moment later they both walked to the door. Expecting Sydney, Parker was a bit taken aback to find Charles and Margaret Lambert standing on her porch.
"I want to see Jarod." Margaret said sternly.
Parker glared at the other woman for a moment and then politely stepped back and allowed the older couple to enter.
Margaret hurried to Jarod's side and placed a hand on his arm possessively. "How are you, dear?" she asked him.
"I'm okay, Mother." Jarod smiled gently. "I'm fine."
Parker scoffed. "Like Hell you are." She grumbled.
"You shouldn't have taken him from the hospital!" The older woman scolded.
"What hospital?" Parker had not yet closed the door so Sydney, limping slowly up the sidewalk, had heard the comment from Jarod's mother.
Margaret gasped when she saw Jarod's old mentor. "You stay away from my son." She yelled.
Sydney blinked and lowered his head shamefully. He entered the room and turning slowly, he pushed the door closed behind him. Sydney understood this woman's anger. To a great extent, Sydney felt that he deserved it.
"Maggie, calm down." Major Charles said.
"I won't." Mrs. Lambert said angrily. "I refuse to talk calmly to the fiend who destroyed our lives."
Parker watched Jarod's distraught face as she flared in Sydney's defense. "Sydney didn't destroy anyone. He didn't take Jarod away from you."
"No." Margaret growled. "He was just the zoo keeper." The woman turned on Miss Parker. "You stole him. You Parkers. The Parkers took my beautiful boys away from me. You tortured my sons and killed my poor Kyle."
Now it was Sydney's turn to defend Miss Parker. "Mrs. Lambert." He said firmly. "I can sympathize with your feelings of resentment toward me and toward The Centre. But I assure you, Miss Parker had nothing to do with Jarod's abduction or imprisonment. She never harmed Kyle in any way."
Margaret stood boldly before Miss Parker and asked her coldly, "You spent more than five years chasing Jarod, with the specific intent of putting him back in that place."
Without batting an eye, Parker crossed her arms and glared at Jarod's mother. "Yes." She answered regally.
His mother took Jarod by the arm and said, "Come on. We are going home now."
Parker planted herself firmly in front of the door. "No one is going anywhere." She ordered.
"How do plan to stop me?" Margaret asked.
"By force if need be." Parker snarled. "It is out of respect for Jarod that I don't kick your ass right now."
"Parker." Jarod moaned. "I really can't deal with this right now." He pleaded. "Please."
Major Charles spoke diplomatically. "Let's all just settle down." He turned to his wife. "Maggie, I believe that Sydney and Miss Parker are just as concerned about Jarod as we are."
The older woman huffed.
"Let's all agree to try to do what's best for him." The major added, glancing toward the others for a consensus.
Several long moments passed while Margaret looked toward Jarod questioningly. His brown eyes pleaded with her. When she nodded curtly, the men in the room sighed with relief.
"What hospital?" Sydney repeated. "Jarod, are you ill?"
Parker answered. "Jarod has been suffering from a recurring dream for several months now. The dream takes the form of night terrors: screaming, sleep walking, lashing out at people and objects around him. The dream occurs within fifty to sixty minutes of falling asleep."
She glanced at Jarod for confirmation. He nodded miserably. Parker continued. "So, of course, his resolution has been to stop sleeping." She sighed heavily. "At this point he is displaying all the symptoms of severe sleep deprivation. He can't concentrate. He's easily confused and irritated. He's anxious at times, manic at others. He pumps himself full of caffeine and sugar. Sometimes his hands or legs tremble uncontrollably."
Sydney frowned. "How long have you gone with out sleep Jarod?" He asked.
Jarod shrugged nonchalantly. "I fell asleep just the other night." He said defensively.
"In the last seventy-two hours, he has slept for only two." Parker told them. To Sydney, Parker said, "We need to know what's going on in that dream."
Sydney nodded.
Jarod squirmed anxiously. "Do we have to do this now?" he whined.
"Sooner would be better than later." Parker said thoughtfully. "But I have a feeling this is going to be a long day so why don't we all have some coffee and let Jarod eat his breakfast."
Jarod led the group toward the kitchen. Parker took a few moments to scoop up the newspapers and things Jarod had left lying about. She folded everything sloppily into a wad and stuffed it unceremoniously into a closet.
The atmosphere in the kitchen was decidedly uncomfortable.
Jarod slouched miserably into one of the chairs at the table. Parker could see how hard this situation was for him. His loyalty was being torn between two sets of people. He was exhausted and emotionally unable to deal with the circumstances.
Parker sighed in an effort to calm herself. She didn't want to add to Jarod's strain. She would try to be on her best behavior with Jarod's parents. But she would find a way to let them know who was in charge here.
"Does everyone want coffee?" Parker asked as she pulled mugs from the cupboard. Without waiting for an answer, she placed the cups on the table.
She placed the full coffee pot and the sugar where everyone could reach them. As a gesture of hospitality, Parker went to the extra effort of getting the creamer bowl from a shelf and filling it with milk before she placed that on the table as well.
Parker stood behind Jarod's chair. She casually caressed the back of his head, smoothing down the tussled hair as she asked him, "What do you want to eat?"
"Eggs would be fine." Jarod mumbled after he took a swallow from his cup.
"Scrambled?" Parker asked, her hands resting gently on his shoulders. "Or would you rather have omelets?"
Jarod looked up at her with wide eyes. "Don't go to any trouble, Parker."
"No trouble at all." Parker assured him. "Because you're going to help." She added with a firm pat on his back.
Jarod flashed an amused grin at Sydney, rolled his eyes and stood. Parker opened the refrigerator and started stacking eggs, tomatoes, and cheese on the counter.
As Jarod pulled a skillet from the rack hanging on the wall, his mother started to rise from her chair. "Let me help you with that, Jarod." She said.
Parker turned and waved her back. "Nonsense." She said. "Sit down and enjoy your coffee, Mrs. Lambert. You are our guests, so please allow me to be gracious and act like a proper hostess for the time being."
Sydney raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had not missed the significance of Parker's words. Knowing Parker the way he did, Sydney doubted that she had spoken inadvertently. The three older adults were being treated as guests in Parker's home while Jarod, even in his weakened state, was helping Parker serve them.
Sydney shook his head. Through her actions, Parker was telling Jarod's parents exactly how things were going to be during this visit. She and Jarod were a pair, separate from the rest of them. With each of Jarod's conforming responses, the message was being driven home further. Sydney didn't think Jarod recognized what Parker was doing. But the frown on Mrs. Lambert's face indicated that she did.
Sydney noticed with concern, that as the two prepared the food, Parker would casually lay a hand on Jarod's forearm or slide her fingertips down his back as she spoke to him. Jarod was bone-tired, looking shaky on his feet and in need of her support. But Sydney wondered if either Parker or Jarod was aware of the increased sense of intimacy they were displaying.
Major Charles valiantly tried to keep polite conversation going. Sydney chatted with him amiably while Jarod's mother carefully watched the young couple prepare the food.
It only took a few minutes to whip up several omelets.
Jarod shoveled his breakfast down. Then he ate most of Parker's as well. When everyone had finished eating, Parker placed the last of the dishes in the sink. Setting the coffee maker to brew another pot, she said, "I suggest we move to the living room."
Jarod sat on the couch and looked up at Parker in trepidation. "I really don't want to do this." He whispered.
Parker perched on the arm of the couch immediately to Jarod's left and patted his shoulder wordlessly.
Sydney sat on the coffee table facing Jarod. Margaret took a seat on the cushion to Jarod's right, while the major sat in the easy chair.
"Are you ready, Jarod?" Sydney asked.
Jarod shrugged.
"Just sit back and relax." Sydney said calmly.
Margaret interrupted, "The doctor at the hospital tried hypnosis to discover the topic of his nightmares. But he wasn't able to get Jarod hypnotized."
Parker scoffed.
Sydney explained, "Jarod has been trained to a very specific method of hypnosis. He should go under very quickly if he cooperates."
Jarod sighed. "I will."
Jarod tilted his neck, rolled his shoulders and shook his hands vigorously in the air for a moment as he relaxed his muscles. He closed his eyes and took several deep, calming breaths.
He sat back and said softly, "I'm ready."
Sydney signaled for silence from the others, then he began to speak carefully and calmly. "Just relax, Jarod. Relax and let your mind go back. You are relaxed, Jarod. You are calm and relaxed. I want you to go back to the night before last. Do you remember that night?"
"Yes." Jarod whispered. "In the car. I am riding in the car with Parker." He smiled. "She makes me laugh."
Sydney looked questioningly at Parker for confirmation on the memory. She nodded and shrugged indifferently at Sydney's surprised look.
"Yes." Sydney went on soothingly. "Parker is there. Tell me how you are feeling, Jarod."
"Warm." Jarod said. "I was cold but now I'm covered up. It's safe here. Smells good."
"Jarod, are you tired?" Sydney asked.
Jarod, eyes still closed, nodded.
"Yes, you are very tired." Sydney told him. "You are falling asleep, now. You cannot keep your eyes open. You are drifting, drifting. You are asleep, Jarod."
Jarod's head slumped to one side and his breathing became very deep and regular.
"You are asleep and the dream is beginning." Sydney said softly.
Jarod's posture changed. His hands, which had been casually in his lap, slid stiffly to his sides, his elbows pressed against the back of the couch. His back straightened and a frown appeared on his face.
Jarod's parents exchanged a worried look.
"Where are you, Jarod?" Sydney asked softly.
Jarod's lower lip trembled slightly. "SL-23." He whispered. "I don't like it here. It is always so cold, so dark." He paused for a heartbeat then Jarod said. "It is the hurting place."
"How old are you, Jarod?" Sydney asked.
Jarod shrugged.
"Are you alone?" Sydney pried.
Jarod's closed eyes moved as though he was looking around the room. "No. I hear voices." He said. His head stopped moving as he looked directly at the people in his mind. "They are talking about Jarod." He whispered.
"Who is? Who is talking about Jarod?" Sydney urged.
"Sydney is." Jarod whimpered. "He is talking with mother and father."
The group gathered in the room frowned at each other in confusion. Jarod's parents had never been to SL-23. This dream was no memory. This was Jarod's subconscious mind creating new events.
"Can you hear the words they are saying?" Sydney asked.
Jarod's frown deepened as he nodded. "They are saying that Jarod is such a good boy. He is such a nice man. They are so proud." He sighed sadly. "They don't know." He whispered.
"What don't they know?" Sydney went on.
Jarod gasped suddenly and his breathing started to speed up. "I can't move." He cried. "I'm tied down."
Jarod's head abruptly turned toward the other direction. His breath came in quick little gasps. "I hear him." Jarod hissed. "The squeaking. I hear him coming."
He fought against the invisible bonds holding him down. "He knows. He knows. Please don't let him hurt me." Jarod said frantically.
"What does he know, Jarod?" Sydney said calmly as he tried to soothe the troubled younger man.
Jarod started to whimper. "He's here. He's here. Dr. Raines is here." His head turned to the other side. He was speaking now to the other people in his dream. "Don't let him hurt me."
Near panic, Jarod tried desperately to free himself from the nonexistent straps binding him. "He has things on a tray. Sharp, shiny things. He knows and he's going to punish me."
"What does Raines know, Jarod?" Sydney repeated.
"Please!" Jarod cried. "I didn't mean it! Please, help me!"
"What does Raines know?" Sydney asked again.
"I'm bad. I have to be punished." Jarod whispered miserably. "I didn't mean it. Please."
Jarod's eyes suddenly snapped open and he glared wild-eyed at something the others could not see. His breath came in ragged gasps as he cried in terror, "Somebody help me!"
"Wake him up!" Parker demanded. "Now!"
Jarod's body suddenly arched and he began to scream in pain.
"Wake him!" Parker yelled.
Sydney spoke over the noise, "Jarod, when I snap my fingers you will wake up. You will wake up feeling refreshed and safe."
"Help Me!" the pretender shrieked in a high-pitched wail of fear.
"You will remember the dream but you will be safe." Sydney said.
"Hurry up!" Parker ordered.
Jarod's voice abruptly dropped several octaves into a growl of demonic rage, "Why won't you help me!" He shouted into Sydney's face.
Sydney's fingers snapped and Jarod gasped into consciousness.
Trembling and breathless, Jarod sprang up from the couch. He put one hand to his ribs, feeling about anxiously. He then examined his hand as though he expected to see blood. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, Jarod wrapped his arms around himself and began deliberately breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth in an obvious attempt to calm down.
Parker walked over to Jarod and placing a hand gently on his arm, she asked, "What did Raines know, Jarod?"
Jarod whirled on her suddenly, "Can't you give me one minute of peace?" he hissed furiously.
Sydney spoke gently. "Jarod, there is no reason to get angry with Miss Parker."
Jarod turned his back toward them and said quickly, "I'm not angry."
Parker tilted her head at Jarod and frowned. She could tell that he was angry, very angry indeed. Parker's inner sense suddenly clicked on in her head with an intensity she had never experienced before. Jarod's anger was the key.
'This is how Ethan feels it all the time.' She thought irrelevantly.
With an abrupt clarity, Parker could see what Jarod was trying to hide from her, from his parents and most importantly from himself. Jarod himself couldn't see it. He didn't want to.
Parker would have to be the one to show it to him. She hoped that she could survive the ordeal. She prayed that he would forgive her when she was done. Parker took a deep breath and did what her gut was telling her to do.
"Bull shit." She snarled. "You're so angry right now you want to rip someone's head off."
Jarod frowned at her.
"Admit it, Jarod." Parker said, shoving him roughly. "You are walking a fine line, so close to blind rage that it scares you." She shoved him again pushing the fragile limits of his temper.
"Miss Parker," Jarod's father rose and tried to pull her away from his son.
Parker grabbed Major Charles by the arms and squeezed his biceps slightly. "I have to do this now. Trust me." She whispered.
Turning toward Jarod again she stalked him as he backed across the room. "You're aching to hit something, break something. Someone." She hissed. With a tilt of her head she added, "You are so full of rage you could kill."
Jarod put his hands over his ears. "No. I could never." He said mournfully.
"Yes, you could." Parker taunted. "There are dark places inside you. Dark places capable of evil things. That's what Raines knew. He knew what you could become."
When Jarod stepped away from her, Parker followed. "He trained you for it." She snarled. "Just like he trained me. Like he trained Lyle."
Jarod clenched his fists at his sides and growled, "No, Parker you are wrong. I'm not like Lyle."
"But you could be." She hissed cruelly. "That same darkness and evil waits inside you."
"Back off, Miss Parker." Jarod's mother grabbed Parker by the arm and pulled her away. "You have no right to treat him this way. You aren't part of this. You're not even in the dream."
Parker smiled at Margaret predatorily. "Why wasn't I part of your dream, Jarod?" she said.
"I don't know." Jarod yelled.
"Yes. You do." Parker yelled back. "What would have happened if I had been in your dream, Jarod?"
Jarod stomped angrily to the fireplace and pounded on the mantel in frustration. "How the hell should I know?" he growled.
"You're the genius." Parker shouted. "Figure it out!"
Jarod huffed for a moment then yelled. "Nothing. Nothing would have happened."
"Why?" Parker purred.
Jarod abruptly became very still. He stared at her with wide frightened eyes. "You know why." He whispered.
"Yes." Parker admitted. "Say it."
Jarod turned his back to her again to cling tightly to the mantel. Very quietly he said. "You wouldn't have let Raines hurt me."
"Honey." His mother said to Jarod. "This was a dream. Your father and I would never let anyone hurt you."
Parker responded viciously. "You already did."
Jarod whirled on Parker. "Shut up!" he hollered. "You just shut up!" Jarod snatched a picture frame from the mantel and threw it across the room where it shattered against the opposite wall.
Parker fought hard not to flinch at the fury in Jarod's face. She yelled at him instead. "Tell them. You tell them or I will."
"No." Jarod growled. He grabbed Parker by the shoulders and shook her hard.
Margaret was getting angry herself now. "What are you talking about? I've never hurt my son, ever."
Still held firmly in Jarod's grip, Parker snarled. "No. But you let them hurt him."
Jarod snarled in fury and pulled one arm back. Parker saw the blow coming and managed to duck before Jarod could hit her. "Shut up, shut up shut up!" he screamed.
When Jarod swung at her again, Parker stepped nimbly away. He was too tired. Fatigue made him too slow. Parker's training kept her barely ahead of him. When she popped up behind him, Parker lashed out with her bare foot against the back of his knee and Jarod went down with a crash.
Lying in a pile on the floor Jarod moaned, "Don't do this to me, Parker. Please don't do this."
Parker crouched beside him and pulled Jarod into her arms. While the three older adults watched, Parker hushed, "I'm not doing this to you Jarod. You are doing it to yourself. You are letting it destroy you."
Stroking his back soothingly, Parker went on. "Its safe for you to get angry at me, isn't it? You can yell and scream and even hit me. It doesn't make you a bad person does it?"
Jarod’s head was buried against Parker's stomach as he shook his head. "No." he mumbled into her shirt. "You get angry at me all the time. We get angry at each other but it never really matters. You always forgive me."
Parker bent her head to press her forehead against Jarod's back. "They will forgive you too, Jarod. It's okay to be angry with the people we care about. It doesn't mean we love them any less. You need to trust in their feelings for you."
Parker looked up to see Jarod's mother sitting on the floor on the other side of Jarod.
"I don't understand." Margaret whispered.
A single tear ran down Parker's cheek as she gazed at the other woman. "You can't." Parker told her. "You would have to understand what it means to be a child. Waiting. A child waiting for the feel of a mother's arms." Another tear rolled down her cheek. "A mother who never comes."
Jarod rolled onto his back and looked up at Parker. They exchanged a look of shared pain.
Parker inhaled then went on. "You can't begin to understand the desperation that forces a child to forget rather than face the disappointment. It's easier somehow, to forget ever feeling loved rather than face the fact that you'll never get that feeling back."
Margaret took her son's hand. "Jarod, we never stopping loving you."
Jarod looked at her, his lips trembling. The anger and hurt that he had been denying him self took form as Jarod asked one question. "Why?" he asked meekly, "Why didn't you come and get me?"
The older woman sighed in defeat.
Jarod sat up straighter, his voice growing stronger he said, "You knew the Parkers. Before I was even born you knew Catherine Parker. You knew they had me at The Centre."
Margaret nodded sadly and glanced toward her husband.
Turning to his father, Jarod said. "You told me that you tried to help Catherine Parker rescue me. You took a bullet in the back during the attempt, courtesy of Mr. Raines. Why didn't you ever try again? Why did you leave me there?"
Major Charles said, "Jarod, they had Kyle. They threatened to kill him if we tried anything. And we had Emily to think about by then. We had to protect her."
Jarod sighed. "I know that. My head knows that." He kicked angrily at the leg of the coffee table. "But knowing doesn't make it hurt any less." His voice dropped to a harsh whisper. "Their safety was more important than mine. Simple mathematics."
Jarod pulled his knees close to his chest and buried his head in his arms. "Emily is my sister," he heaved. "I love her. But you have no idea how much I envy her." His voice came out in a sob.
"Sometimes I hate her." Jarod growled. "That's an awful thing to say, I know. It's irrational but I can't help how I feel."
"This wasn't Emily's fault." Margaret tried to sooth her son. Rubbing soft circles on his back she said, "It was a terrible thing that happened to you. But you can't blame your sister for having the life that was taken from you."
Jarod's head snapped up and he glared at his mother, "It wasn't fair!" He wailed. "What did I do to deserve what happened to me?" Jarod's face crumbled into tears.
"I waited so long." He breathed. Wrapping his arms around himself, Jarod started rocking back and forth. "I waited and waited for you to come and get me. You'd told me I was going to a special school. For a long time I thought The Centre was just a school."
Jarod looked up at Sydney miserably. "You said I was there because I was special."
Sydney nodded. "Yes, I know."
"All you did was hurt me." Jarod rasped.
"I know." Sydney whispered. He knelt carefully beside Jarod on the floor and wrapped one arm around the trembling shoulders. "I regret what was done to you, Jarod. But I cannot say that I regret having spent those years with you." Sydney said. "One day, I will go to meet my maker. He will ask me to justify my life and I will point to you. Whether that earns me a ticket to salvation or eternal damnation I cannot say. But you have been my life, Jarod."
Jarod leaned his head wearily against Sydney's shoulder and allowed the older man to hug him tightly. "I'd have done anything for you, Sydney." He whispered.
"I know." Sydney said.
Jarod sat curled in Sydney's embrace for a time. "I'm so tired." He sighed.
"Come on, Jarod." Parker helped the two men up off the floor. "You are going to get some sleep. I think we are all emotionally drained right now and could use some rest. Sydney, would you be kind enough to show the Lamberts the guest room?"
Sydney nodded.
Parker led a dazed and weary Jarod toward her room at the back of the house. He allowed her to remove his outer shirt and lie him down on the bed without comment. Parker went into the attached bathroom and ran some cold water into a glass. She rummaged in the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of aspirin. She shook two tablets into her hand and then returned to give them to Jarod.
"Listen." Jarod whispered harshly. His chocolate eyes were wide and filled with the lost look of a child. His lips trembled. "I can hear her crying."
Parker tilted her head and listened. She could just barely hear Margaret's soft sobs through the walls.
"I made my mother cry. She must hate me." Jarod said. Tears began to trail silently down the sides of his face as he stared forlornly at the ceiling.
Parker set the pills and glass of water down on the end table and sat on the bed beside Jarod. "You didn't make her cry, Jarod." Parker soothed. She caressed the side of his face gently. "She loves you very much. And right now you are in pain. Seeing you in pain makes her hurt too."
Jarod sniffed. "I've been hurting for so long, Parker."
Parker stretched out beside him and nodded. "I know. Its hard to imagine how to stop the ache."
Jarod nodded.
Parker placed one hand on his cheek and gazed into his eyes. He seemed so lost. So alone. In many ways, he was still the child that had been locked away so long ago. He seemed so desperate and lonely. Parker saw her own loneliness reflected in his eyes. Without thought or reason, Parker lowered her head and kissed Jarod tenderly on the lips.
"Maybe," she whispered. "We can find a way through this pain together."
Coffee and Nightmares
By Phenyx 12/12/02
Once Parker had finally drifted off last night, she had slept dreamlessly. She had woken an hour ago feeling well rested and refreshed. She had eventually gotten out of bed and dressed simply in a pair of jeans and a sweater. Parker was sitting at the vanity in her bedroom brushing her hair when she heard the muffled sound of glass breaking in another part of the house.
Parker walked down the hall and peeked into the empty guest room. The bed covers were wrinkled as though someone had lain on top of the blankets for a time. But the covers hadn't been pulled back.
Jarod had evidently spent part of the night in the living room. As Parker wandered through and passed the couch, she could see several magazines and newspapers lying on the cushions and scattered on the floor. The coffee table was littered with articles that had been clipped from the newspapers. A quick glance told Parker that the stories dealt with a variety of topics. There was no consistent theme.
The television was on and tuned in to an episode of M*A*S*H*.
Parker found Jarod in the kitchen. He hadn't noticed her presence so she stopped and stood in the doorway, watching him. Jarod was dressed in the black silk pajamas that she had bought for him the day before. He pushed the long sleeves of the shirt up to his elbows and crouched on the floor next to a shattered glass, a dustpan and brush in his hands.
Jarod was mumbling to himself as he swept up the broken pieces. When he tilted the fragments into the garbage can, the smooth sleeves of his shirt slid down his arms and he shoved the cuffs back up to his elbows with a frustrated motion. Jarod very deliberately put the garbage can and other items back where they belonged.
Jarod then went to the cupboard and pulled a cup from the shelf. He carefully placed the cup on the counter and swore softly when his shirtsleeves again slid down to his wrists. He poured himself a cup of coffee from the carafe. Jarod then stirred two spoonfuls of sugar into the mug, pushed his shirtsleeves up again and added two more scoops of sweetener to his drink.
Miss Parker watched silently as Jarod moved to the refrigerator to fetch a carton of milk. When the sleeves of his shirt slipped down his arms for the fourth time, Jarod shoved the refrigerator door closed, and slammed the milk carton onto the countertop with a growl. He angrily reached up between his shoulder blades with one hand and yanked the shirt over his head without undoing any of the buttons.
Muttering a slew of unintelligible oaths between clenched teeth, Jarod furiously crumbled the shirt into a ball and hurled the silk across the room.
As the black cloth fluttered softly to the floor, Jarod saw Miss Parker standing in the doorway. He swallowed hard and sighed.
Parker glared at the puddle of silk on the floor then glanced at Jarod questioningly. "Temper, temper." She scolded him.
He shrugged. "I'm sorry, Parker. It was irritating me. I don't like the long sleeves."
Parker smiled at him in consolation. "Don't worry about it." She said as she stooped down to pick up the shirt, folding it carefully as she stood.
Parker crossed her arms and gazed intently at Jarod. He obviously hadn't gotten any rest during the night. His eyes were badly bloodshot and his anxiety was almost a tangible thing.
Wearing the silk pajama pants low on his hips, Jarod still provided Miss Parker with an admirable view. His torso was sculpted and muscular. A definitive line traced down the middle of his body from the base of his throat past his navel to disappear into the elastic waist of the pajamas.
"But you said that I had to wear them." Jarod mocked.
Her smile turned predatory. "That'll do." Parker said fluttering her hand at him to indicate his current attire.
"Then you approve?" Jarod asked playfully. His bare chest rippled as Jarod crossed his arms, mimicking Parker's stance.
Parker slowly raked her gaze down Jarod's body. "Definitely." She purred.
Jarod managed to act blasé for about five seconds before he shifted uncomfortably and began to blush. "I'll be right back." He mumbled as he scurried from the room.
Parker laughed caustically. "You run and I chase, Jarod!" She called after him.
When Jarod returned a few minutes later, he was clad in tan cargo pants. He wore a white undershirt beneath a black unbuttoned shirt. The shirttails hung around his waist casually.
Parker was pouring herself a cup of coffee. "You didn't sleep last night." She stated.
Jarod shrugged.
"I called Sydney. He should be here shortly." Parker said slowly. Not knowing how to broach the subject, Parker just went at it head on. "I think we need to learn more about this dream of yours."
Jarod glanced up from his coffee in alarm. "I don't remember anything." He said.
"Sydney can help you remember. You know that." She said gently.
Jarod looked around the room nervously. "But there has to be a reason that I can't recall it. I don't think I want to remember."
Parker sighed. "Your subconscious is trying to tell you something, Jarod. Something you would rather not face." She watched Jarod carefully as he plucked an imaginary piece of lint from his new pants.
"You can't keep this up much longer." She whispered. Parker crossed the room to stand beside him. "We need to do this."
"I know." Jarod responded so softly that Parker barely heard his words.
Parker patted his arm in understanding.
When the doorbell rang a moment later they both walked to the door. Expecting Sydney, Parker was a bit taken aback to find Charles and Margaret Lambert standing on her porch.
"I want to see Jarod." Margaret said sternly.
Parker glared at the other woman for a moment and then politely stepped back and allowed the older couple to enter.
Margaret hurried to Jarod's side and placed a hand on his arm possessively. "How are you, dear?" she asked him.
"I'm okay, Mother." Jarod smiled gently. "I'm fine."
Parker scoffed. "Like Hell you are." She grumbled.
"You shouldn't have taken him from the hospital!" The older woman scolded.
"What hospital?" Parker had not yet closed the door so Sydney, limping slowly up the sidewalk, had heard the comment from Jarod's mother.
Margaret gasped when she saw Jarod's old mentor. "You stay away from my son." She yelled.
Sydney blinked and lowered his head shamefully. He entered the room and turning slowly, he pushed the door closed behind him. Sydney understood this woman's anger. To a great extent, Sydney felt that he deserved it.
"Maggie, calm down." Major Charles said.
"I won't." Mrs. Lambert said angrily. "I refuse to talk calmly to the fiend who destroyed our lives."
Parker watched Jarod's distraught face as she flared in Sydney's defense. "Sydney didn't destroy anyone. He didn't take Jarod away from you."
"No." Margaret growled. "He was just the zoo keeper." The woman turned on Miss Parker. "You stole him. You Parkers. The Parkers took my beautiful boys away from me. You tortured my sons and killed my poor Kyle."
Now it was Sydney's turn to defend Miss Parker. "Mrs. Lambert." He said firmly. "I can sympathize with your feelings of resentment toward me and toward The Centre. But I assure you, Miss Parker had nothing to do with Jarod's abduction or imprisonment. She never harmed Kyle in any way."
Margaret stood boldly before Miss Parker and asked her coldly, "You spent more than five years chasing Jarod, with the specific intent of putting him back in that place."
Without batting an eye, Parker crossed her arms and glared at Jarod's mother. "Yes." She answered regally.
His mother took Jarod by the arm and said, "Come on. We are going home now."
Parker planted herself firmly in front of the door. "No one is going anywhere." She ordered.
"How do plan to stop me?" Margaret asked.
"By force if need be." Parker snarled. "It is out of respect for Jarod that I don't kick your ass right now."
"Parker." Jarod moaned. "I really can't deal with this right now." He pleaded. "Please."
Major Charles spoke diplomatically. "Let's all just settle down." He turned to his wife. "Maggie, I believe that Sydney and Miss Parker are just as concerned about Jarod as we are."
The older woman huffed.
"Let's all agree to try to do what's best for him." The major added, glancing toward the others for a consensus.
Several long moments passed while Margaret looked toward Jarod questioningly. His brown eyes pleaded with her. When she nodded curtly, the men in the room sighed with relief.
"What hospital?" Sydney repeated. "Jarod, are you ill?"
Parker answered. "Jarod has been suffering from a recurring dream for several months now. The dream takes the form of night terrors: screaming, sleep walking, lashing out at people and objects around him. The dream occurs within fifty to sixty minutes of falling asleep."
She glanced at Jarod for confirmation. He nodded miserably. Parker continued. "So, of course, his resolution has been to stop sleeping." She sighed heavily. "At this point he is displaying all the symptoms of severe sleep deprivation. He can't concentrate. He's easily confused and irritated. He's anxious at times, manic at others. He pumps himself full of caffeine and sugar. Sometimes his hands or legs tremble uncontrollably."
Sydney frowned. "How long have you gone with out sleep Jarod?" He asked.
Jarod shrugged nonchalantly. "I fell asleep just the other night." He said defensively.
"In the last seventy-two hours, he has slept for only two." Parker told them. To Sydney, Parker said, "We need to know what's going on in that dream."
Sydney nodded.
Jarod squirmed anxiously. "Do we have to do this now?" he whined.
"Sooner would be better than later." Parker said thoughtfully. "But I have a feeling this is going to be a long day so why don't we all have some coffee and let Jarod eat his breakfast."
Jarod led the group toward the kitchen. Parker took a few moments to scoop up the newspapers and things Jarod had left lying about. She folded everything sloppily into a wad and stuffed it unceremoniously into a closet.
The atmosphere in the kitchen was decidedly uncomfortable.
Jarod slouched miserably into one of the chairs at the table. Parker could see how hard this situation was for him. His loyalty was being torn between two sets of people. He was exhausted and emotionally unable to deal with the circumstances.
Parker sighed in an effort to calm herself. She didn't want to add to Jarod's strain. She would try to be on her best behavior with Jarod's parents. But she would find a way to let them know who was in charge here.
"Does everyone want coffee?" Parker asked as she pulled mugs from the cupboard. Without waiting for an answer, she placed the cups on the table.
She placed the full coffee pot and the sugar where everyone could reach them. As a gesture of hospitality, Parker went to the extra effort of getting the creamer bowl from a shelf and filling it with milk before she placed that on the table as well.
Parker stood behind Jarod's chair. She casually caressed the back of his head, smoothing down the tussled hair as she asked him, "What do you want to eat?"
"Eggs would be fine." Jarod mumbled after he took a swallow from his cup.
"Scrambled?" Parker asked, her hands resting gently on his shoulders. "Or would you rather have omelets?"
Jarod looked up at her with wide eyes. "Don't go to any trouble, Parker."
"No trouble at all." Parker assured him. "Because you're going to help." She added with a firm pat on his back.
Jarod flashed an amused grin at Sydney, rolled his eyes and stood. Parker opened the refrigerator and started stacking eggs, tomatoes, and cheese on the counter.
As Jarod pulled a skillet from the rack hanging on the wall, his mother started to rise from her chair. "Let me help you with that, Jarod." She said.
Parker turned and waved her back. "Nonsense." She said. "Sit down and enjoy your coffee, Mrs. Lambert. You are our guests, so please allow me to be gracious and act like a proper hostess for the time being."
Sydney raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had not missed the significance of Parker's words. Knowing Parker the way he did, Sydney doubted that she had spoken inadvertently. The three older adults were being treated as guests in Parker's home while Jarod, even in his weakened state, was helping Parker serve them.
Sydney shook his head. Through her actions, Parker was telling Jarod's parents exactly how things were going to be during this visit. She and Jarod were a pair, separate from the rest of them. With each of Jarod's conforming responses, the message was being driven home further. Sydney didn't think Jarod recognized what Parker was doing. But the frown on Mrs. Lambert's face indicated that she did.
Sydney noticed with concern, that as the two prepared the food, Parker would casually lay a hand on Jarod's forearm or slide her fingertips down his back as she spoke to him. Jarod was bone-tired, looking shaky on his feet and in need of her support. But Sydney wondered if either Parker or Jarod was aware of the increased sense of intimacy they were displaying.
Major Charles valiantly tried to keep polite conversation going. Sydney chatted with him amiably while Jarod's mother carefully watched the young couple prepare the food.
It only took a few minutes to whip up several omelets.
Jarod shoveled his breakfast down. Then he ate most of Parker's as well. When everyone had finished eating, Parker placed the last of the dishes in the sink. Setting the coffee maker to brew another pot, she said, "I suggest we move to the living room."
Jarod sat on the couch and looked up at Parker in trepidation. "I really don't want to do this." He whispered.
Parker perched on the arm of the couch immediately to Jarod's left and patted his shoulder wordlessly.
Sydney sat on the coffee table facing Jarod. Margaret took a seat on the cushion to Jarod's right, while the major sat in the easy chair.
"Are you ready, Jarod?" Sydney asked.
Jarod shrugged.
"Just sit back and relax." Sydney said calmly.
Margaret interrupted, "The doctor at the hospital tried hypnosis to discover the topic of his nightmares. But he wasn't able to get Jarod hypnotized."
Parker scoffed.
Sydney explained, "Jarod has been trained to a very specific method of hypnosis. He should go under very quickly if he cooperates."
Jarod sighed. "I will."
Jarod tilted his neck, rolled his shoulders and shook his hands vigorously in the air for a moment as he relaxed his muscles. He closed his eyes and took several deep, calming breaths.
He sat back and said softly, "I'm ready."
Sydney signaled for silence from the others, then he began to speak carefully and calmly. "Just relax, Jarod. Relax and let your mind go back. You are relaxed, Jarod. You are calm and relaxed. I want you to go back to the night before last. Do you remember that night?"
"Yes." Jarod whispered. "In the car. I am riding in the car with Parker." He smiled. "She makes me laugh."
Sydney looked questioningly at Parker for confirmation on the memory. She nodded and shrugged indifferently at Sydney's surprised look.
"Yes." Sydney went on soothingly. "Parker is there. Tell me how you are feeling, Jarod."
"Warm." Jarod said. "I was cold but now I'm covered up. It's safe here. Smells good."
"Jarod, are you tired?" Sydney asked.
Jarod, eyes still closed, nodded.
"Yes, you are very tired." Sydney told him. "You are falling asleep, now. You cannot keep your eyes open. You are drifting, drifting. You are asleep, Jarod."
Jarod's head slumped to one side and his breathing became very deep and regular.
"You are asleep and the dream is beginning." Sydney said softly.
Jarod's posture changed. His hands, which had been casually in his lap, slid stiffly to his sides, his elbows pressed against the back of the couch. His back straightened and a frown appeared on his face.
Jarod's parents exchanged a worried look.
"Where are you, Jarod?" Sydney asked softly.
Jarod's lower lip trembled slightly. "SL-23." He whispered. "I don't like it here. It is always so cold, so dark." He paused for a heartbeat then Jarod said. "It is the hurting place."
"How old are you, Jarod?" Sydney asked.
Jarod shrugged.
"Are you alone?" Sydney pried.
Jarod's closed eyes moved as though he was looking around the room. "No. I hear voices." He said. His head stopped moving as he looked directly at the people in his mind. "They are talking about Jarod." He whispered.
"Who is? Who is talking about Jarod?" Sydney urged.
"Sydney is." Jarod whimpered. "He is talking with mother and father."
The group gathered in the room frowned at each other in confusion. Jarod's parents had never been to SL-23. This dream was no memory. This was Jarod's subconscious mind creating new events.
"Can you hear the words they are saying?" Sydney asked.
Jarod's frown deepened as he nodded. "They are saying that Jarod is such a good boy. He is such a nice man. They are so proud." He sighed sadly. "They don't know." He whispered.
"What don't they know?" Sydney went on.
Jarod gasped suddenly and his breathing started to speed up. "I can't move." He cried. "I'm tied down."
Jarod's head abruptly turned toward the other direction. His breath came in quick little gasps. "I hear him." Jarod hissed. "The squeaking. I hear him coming."
He fought against the invisible bonds holding him down. "He knows. He knows. Please don't let him hurt me." Jarod said frantically.
"What does he know, Jarod?" Sydney said calmly as he tried to soothe the troubled younger man.
Jarod started to whimper. "He's here. He's here. Dr. Raines is here." His head turned to the other side. He was speaking now to the other people in his dream. "Don't let him hurt me."
Near panic, Jarod tried desperately to free himself from the nonexistent straps binding him. "He has things on a tray. Sharp, shiny things. He knows and he's going to punish me."
"What does Raines know, Jarod?" Sydney repeated.
"Please!" Jarod cried. "I didn't mean it! Please, help me!"
"What does Raines know?" Sydney asked again.
"I'm bad. I have to be punished." Jarod whispered miserably. "I didn't mean it. Please."
Jarod's eyes suddenly snapped open and he glared wild-eyed at something the others could not see. His breath came in ragged gasps as he cried in terror, "Somebody help me!"
"Wake him up!" Parker demanded. "Now!"
Jarod's body suddenly arched and he began to scream in pain.
"Wake him!" Parker yelled.
Sydney spoke over the noise, "Jarod, when I snap my fingers you will wake up. You will wake up feeling refreshed and safe."
"Help Me!" the pretender shrieked in a high-pitched wail of fear.
"You will remember the dream but you will be safe." Sydney said.
"Hurry up!" Parker ordered.
Jarod's voice abruptly dropped several octaves into a growl of demonic rage, "Why won't you help me!" He shouted into Sydney's face.
Sydney's fingers snapped and Jarod gasped into consciousness.
Trembling and breathless, Jarod sprang up from the couch. He put one hand to his ribs, feeling about anxiously. He then examined his hand as though he expected to see blood. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, Jarod wrapped his arms around himself and began deliberately breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth in an obvious attempt to calm down.
Parker walked over to Jarod and placing a hand gently on his arm, she asked, "What did Raines know, Jarod?"
Jarod whirled on her suddenly, "Can't you give me one minute of peace?" he hissed furiously.
Sydney spoke gently. "Jarod, there is no reason to get angry with Miss Parker."
Jarod turned his back toward them and said quickly, "I'm not angry."
Parker tilted her head at Jarod and frowned. She could tell that he was angry, very angry indeed. Parker's inner sense suddenly clicked on in her head with an intensity she had never experienced before. Jarod's anger was the key.
'This is how Ethan feels it all the time.' She thought irrelevantly.
With an abrupt clarity, Parker could see what Jarod was trying to hide from her, from his parents and most importantly from himself. Jarod himself couldn't see it. He didn't want to.
Parker would have to be the one to show it to him. She hoped that she could survive the ordeal. She prayed that he would forgive her when she was done. Parker took a deep breath and did what her gut was telling her to do.
"Bull shit." She snarled. "You're so angry right now you want to rip someone's head off."
Jarod frowned at her.
"Admit it, Jarod." Parker said, shoving him roughly. "You are walking a fine line, so close to blind rage that it scares you." She shoved him again pushing the fragile limits of his temper.
"Miss Parker," Jarod's father rose and tried to pull her away from his son.
Parker grabbed Major Charles by the arms and squeezed his biceps slightly. "I have to do this now. Trust me." She whispered.
Turning toward Jarod again she stalked him as he backed across the room. "You're aching to hit something, break something. Someone." She hissed. With a tilt of her head she added, "You are so full of rage you could kill."
Jarod put his hands over his ears. "No. I could never." He said mournfully.
"Yes, you could." Parker taunted. "There are dark places inside you. Dark places capable of evil things. That's what Raines knew. He knew what you could become."
When Jarod stepped away from her, Parker followed. "He trained you for it." She snarled. "Just like he trained me. Like he trained Lyle."
Jarod clenched his fists at his sides and growled, "No, Parker you are wrong. I'm not like Lyle."
"But you could be." She hissed cruelly. "That same darkness and evil waits inside you."
"Back off, Miss Parker." Jarod's mother grabbed Parker by the arm and pulled her away. "You have no right to treat him this way. You aren't part of this. You're not even in the dream."
Parker smiled at Margaret predatorily. "Why wasn't I part of your dream, Jarod?" she said.
"I don't know." Jarod yelled.
"Yes. You do." Parker yelled back. "What would have happened if I had been in your dream, Jarod?"
Jarod stomped angrily to the fireplace and pounded on the mantel in frustration. "How the hell should I know?" he growled.
"You're the genius." Parker shouted. "Figure it out!"
Jarod huffed for a moment then yelled. "Nothing. Nothing would have happened."
"Why?" Parker purred.
Jarod abruptly became very still. He stared at her with wide frightened eyes. "You know why." He whispered.
"Yes." Parker admitted. "Say it."
Jarod turned his back to her again to cling tightly to the mantel. Very quietly he said. "You wouldn't have let Raines hurt me."
"Honey." His mother said to Jarod. "This was a dream. Your father and I would never let anyone hurt you."
Parker responded viciously. "You already did."
Jarod whirled on Parker. "Shut up!" he hollered. "You just shut up!" Jarod snatched a picture frame from the mantel and threw it across the room where it shattered against the opposite wall.
Parker fought hard not to flinch at the fury in Jarod's face. She yelled at him instead. "Tell them. You tell them or I will."
"No." Jarod growled. He grabbed Parker by the shoulders and shook her hard.
Margaret was getting angry herself now. "What are you talking about? I've never hurt my son, ever."
Still held firmly in Jarod's grip, Parker snarled. "No. But you let them hurt him."
Jarod snarled in fury and pulled one arm back. Parker saw the blow coming and managed to duck before Jarod could hit her. "Shut up, shut up shut up!" he screamed.
When Jarod swung at her again, Parker stepped nimbly away. He was too tired. Fatigue made him too slow. Parker's training kept her barely ahead of him. When she popped up behind him, Parker lashed out with her bare foot against the back of his knee and Jarod went down with a crash.
Lying in a pile on the floor Jarod moaned, "Don't do this to me, Parker. Please don't do this."
Parker crouched beside him and pulled Jarod into her arms. While the three older adults watched, Parker hushed, "I'm not doing this to you Jarod. You are doing it to yourself. You are letting it destroy you."
Stroking his back soothingly, Parker went on. "Its safe for you to get angry at me, isn't it? You can yell and scream and even hit me. It doesn't make you a bad person does it?"
Jarod’s head was buried against Parker's stomach as he shook his head. "No." he mumbled into her shirt. "You get angry at me all the time. We get angry at each other but it never really matters. You always forgive me."
Parker bent her head to press her forehead against Jarod's back. "They will forgive you too, Jarod. It's okay to be angry with the people we care about. It doesn't mean we love them any less. You need to trust in their feelings for you."
Parker looked up to see Jarod's mother sitting on the floor on the other side of Jarod.
"I don't understand." Margaret whispered.
A single tear ran down Parker's cheek as she gazed at the other woman. "You can't." Parker told her. "You would have to understand what it means to be a child. Waiting. A child waiting for the feel of a mother's arms." Another tear rolled down her cheek. "A mother who never comes."
Jarod rolled onto his back and looked up at Parker. They exchanged a look of shared pain.
Parker inhaled then went on. "You can't begin to understand the desperation that forces a child to forget rather than face the disappointment. It's easier somehow, to forget ever feeling loved rather than face the fact that you'll never get that feeling back."
Margaret took her son's hand. "Jarod, we never stopping loving you."
Jarod looked at her, his lips trembling. The anger and hurt that he had been denying him self took form as Jarod asked one question. "Why?" he asked meekly, "Why didn't you come and get me?"
The older woman sighed in defeat.
Jarod sat up straighter, his voice growing stronger he said, "You knew the Parkers. Before I was even born you knew Catherine Parker. You knew they had me at The Centre."
Margaret nodded sadly and glanced toward her husband.
Turning to his father, Jarod said. "You told me that you tried to help Catherine Parker rescue me. You took a bullet in the back during the attempt, courtesy of Mr. Raines. Why didn't you ever try again? Why did you leave me there?"
Major Charles said, "Jarod, they had Kyle. They threatened to kill him if we tried anything. And we had Emily to think about by then. We had to protect her."
Jarod sighed. "I know that. My head knows that." He kicked angrily at the leg of the coffee table. "But knowing doesn't make it hurt any less." His voice dropped to a harsh whisper. "Their safety was more important than mine. Simple mathematics."
Jarod pulled his knees close to his chest and buried his head in his arms. "Emily is my sister," he heaved. "I love her. But you have no idea how much I envy her." His voice came out in a sob.
"Sometimes I hate her." Jarod growled. "That's an awful thing to say, I know. It's irrational but I can't help how I feel."
"This wasn't Emily's fault." Margaret tried to sooth her son. Rubbing soft circles on his back she said, "It was a terrible thing that happened to you. But you can't blame your sister for having the life that was taken from you."
Jarod's head snapped up and he glared at his mother, "It wasn't fair!" He wailed. "What did I do to deserve what happened to me?" Jarod's face crumbled into tears.
"I waited so long." He breathed. Wrapping his arms around himself, Jarod started rocking back and forth. "I waited and waited for you to come and get me. You'd told me I was going to a special school. For a long time I thought The Centre was just a school."
Jarod looked up at Sydney miserably. "You said I was there because I was special."
Sydney nodded. "Yes, I know."
"All you did was hurt me." Jarod rasped.
"I know." Sydney whispered. He knelt carefully beside Jarod on the floor and wrapped one arm around the trembling shoulders. "I regret what was done to you, Jarod. But I cannot say that I regret having spent those years with you." Sydney said. "One day, I will go to meet my maker. He will ask me to justify my life and I will point to you. Whether that earns me a ticket to salvation or eternal damnation I cannot say. But you have been my life, Jarod."
Jarod leaned his head wearily against Sydney's shoulder and allowed the older man to hug him tightly. "I'd have done anything for you, Sydney." He whispered.
"I know." Sydney said.
Jarod sat curled in Sydney's embrace for a time. "I'm so tired." He sighed.
"Come on, Jarod." Parker helped the two men up off the floor. "You are going to get some sleep. I think we are all emotionally drained right now and could use some rest. Sydney, would you be kind enough to show the Lamberts the guest room?"
Sydney nodded.
Parker led a dazed and weary Jarod toward her room at the back of the house. He allowed her to remove his outer shirt and lie him down on the bed without comment. Parker went into the attached bathroom and ran some cold water into a glass. She rummaged in the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of aspirin. She shook two tablets into her hand and then returned to give them to Jarod.
"Listen." Jarod whispered harshly. His chocolate eyes were wide and filled with the lost look of a child. His lips trembled. "I can hear her crying."
Parker tilted her head and listened. She could just barely hear Margaret's soft sobs through the walls.
"I made my mother cry. She must hate me." Jarod said. Tears began to trail silently down the sides of his face as he stared forlornly at the ceiling.
Parker set the pills and glass of water down on the end table and sat on the bed beside Jarod. "You didn't make her cry, Jarod." Parker soothed. She caressed the side of his face gently. "She loves you very much. And right now you are in pain. Seeing you in pain makes her hurt too."
Jarod sniffed. "I've been hurting for so long, Parker."
Parker stretched out beside him and nodded. "I know. Its hard to imagine how to stop the ache."
Jarod nodded.
Parker placed one hand on his cheek and gazed into his eyes. He seemed so lost. So alone. In many ways, he was still the child that had been locked away so long ago. He seemed so desperate and lonely. Parker saw her own loneliness reflected in his eyes. Without thought or reason, Parker lowered her head and kissed Jarod tenderly on the lips.
"Maybe," she whispered. "We can find a way through this pain together."
