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Disclaimer: All characters from "The Pretender" are owned by MTM and NBC. No infringement intended. "Squid" comes from the movie "Strange Days" written by James Cameron, directed by Kathryn Bigelow. No infringement intended either. This hasn't been beta-read. Be warned of the use of my German-English Grammar.

Eyes Wide Open
A The Pretender story by Mareen


It took her a while to adjust the little machine on her head. It wasn't very complicated. The whole thing was more like a net. She only had to lie it on her hair and to take care it was properly fastened so it wouldn't slid down on the slightest moving of her head. But her fingers were trembling while she fastened it, so she needed a long while more than usual.

The machine was an incredible little thing even if it didn't look like it. The things it could do where that far away from everything she had ever thought to be possible that she still couldn't believe she was actually holding it in her hands right now.

"The Centre scientists invented it."

Broots had told her that. As if she wouldn't have guessed. Some people would have said it was a wonderful thing. She called it `nightmarish`, and usually everything nightmarish she had ever the dubious pleasure to stumble over had been invented by the Centre.

They called it Squids. Little `clips` of human feelings, of human experiences. Little pieces of humanity burned on little CD's. Don't live. Let live.

She snorted.

"They are not like DSA`s, Miss Parker. This is real life. Well, thirty minutes of it. Too much data to do more."

She didn't really believe it at first. It was too much science-fiction, too much Star Trek.
The very thought of re-living another person`s experiences mentally had made her laughing out loud and first. Right after that she had asked Broots if he was trying to kidding her. Then he had given her the little net she was wearing on her head now and a little CD. And she had stopped laughing, because when she had turned it on, she hadn't just witnessed Broots eating breakfast with Debbie. She was Broots eating breakfast with Debbie.

"I tried it earlier this morning. Couldn't really believe it either at first."

Two minutes of being Broots and she had nearly freaked out about it. Not about being under Broots' skin. He had been pretty careful about what he actually let her "see". But about the very thought of this being true, about the Centre being able to not only destroy people's lifes anymore but about them being able to store the feelings of someone being destroyed somewhere down in one of their little rooms.

She shuddered about the very thought of a room full of people's feelings.

Jarod, of course, long knew about the squids, and was obviously owning one himself because when she had come home that evening, the squid securely stored in her bag, there was one of the CD's with a little note for her on her coffee-table. "I thought you might wanted to know about this. Jarod."

Yeah. So what was it he `wanted her to know about`? How it felt to be her father? Or how it felt to be Lyle, killing someone? Maybe how it felt to be
Jarod-I-am-searching-for-my-family-and-the-Centre-destroys-us-and-why-don't-you-come-to
your-mind-and-this-is-how-I-feel-about-being-betrayed-by-you? Or maybe she would find out about the bliss Jarod felt about helping someone? She was just absolutely sure it would be something utterly pathetic and annoying, like everything Jarod would send her as a present. Why should the squid be any different when it inhabited so many possibilities of annoying someone?

She didn't really know why she intended to have a `look` at it in spite of her bad feelling. For a moment the thought that it was just a deeply disturbing urge to hurt herself. Maybe.

It didn't matter anyway because it was too late. She had already pressed the button.

A harsh silver blue surrounded her for a moment while she felt like falling through a strange kind of tunnel. Then there was a flash. And she was there. She was at the place...She was...

Jarod.

Walking through some white sand. He was walking through the white sand. Feeling rather happy with himself. Smiling about something to come soon. His feet were pushing deeply into the sand while walking.

/feet...male feet..dark hair on her naked legs..male legs...jarod's legs...she was jarod now/

There was a certain "secret" about walking in sand like this. Go with your toes first, push them deep into the sand, then take the next feet, again toes first, and so on and so on. Any other kind of walking would be much too exhausting. He had learned that after a while and was now practising his newfound knowledge with a bride smile on his face.

The sun was burning on his skin and then into his face when he was looking up. He was warm. There was a gentle breeze going through his hair .

/short...it's short...my hair is short...Jarod's hair is short/

He liked it and closed his eyes for a moment to relax in the sun and the breeze. He smiled again.

The ocean was right beside him and he

/he...I'm a man...I'm Jarod/

stepped inside and let his toes being wet by the water. It was warm and he liked it so he went in a bit more

/where am I...where is this place...maybe Jarod's still there/

untill he was in to his knees. His shorts got a bit wet but he didn't care. It would dry again later, in the sun. It was warm and he was sweating a bit.

/smells different...doesn't smell like me sweating...that's because I'm Jarod...I'm not me anymore/

Slowly he was walking through the water, enjoying the feel of it surrounding his legs. There were other people and now and then he smiled at them and the people smiled back. They had something in common, they were all enjoying the beach and the sun and just being there. It felt like having a secret together, like being a community of some sort because they were all so free right now.

/this is how it feels...this is how Jarod feels...where the hell is he...will you have a look around damn it...but you won't make it that easy for me, will you/

He slowly made his way out of the water again and went on walking through the sand. It was clinging to his feet, between his toes, because his feet were wet, but again he liked the feeling in a way. It felt nice. His eyes fell on a young woman sitting on the beach. She was looking at him, smiling invitingly, flirting obviously.

/she's trying to jump your bones Jarod don't you see that...don't you dare letting this end with me being you while you screw that bird...don't you dare...you won't get back into the Centre alive if that's how it ends...I'm going to.../

He smiled back at the woman and then just passed her after nodding into her direction. The woman seemed to be disappointed but he didn't really care because he just had other plans. He had kept his eyes on the water, the sand or other people the whole time, never giving away where that beach actually was, but now he was suddenly turning his head towards the beach itself and up...up...untill he could actually make out buildings and a street and

/he's here...this is right here...only a few miles away from the Centre...that goddamnitt.../

he felt herself grin and being kind of pleased about himself.

/you stupid.../

Labrat? The word was in his head suddenly and he grinned again.

He suddenly stopped dead when he saw her. Something like surprise was clutching his heart together. Someone was selling ice in a little stand made of wood and he stood behind it

/hiding/

and had a closer look. It was her. Yes, standing at the beach and staring. Just standing and staring at the water. She was looking incredible sad.

/that's me... that's me...the Miss Parker me...I took a day off...didn't know...didn't see Jarod/

Parker was early. He hadn't expected her just yet. Usually, she came to the beach much later. He stood behind the stand and just watched her. A terrible cold was going through him, making him breathing hard. It hurt. Looking at Parker was hurting him because she was so sad.

/why...why do you stare at me...I don't need your pity...don't need your pity/

"I am not pitying you," he

/Jarod...that's what Jarod was thinking/

thought. "Friends don't pity each other."

He just stood there watching Parker stare at nothing, with that sad expression on her face. The urge to go to her was nearly overwhelming and at one moment he actually took a step forward but then went back behind the stand again.

/why...why didn't you come...I was sad...so sad/

Then, suddenly, he couldn't bare it anymore and he turned around and started walking away. Walking first and running then. Running...running...and his hand found the button and he suddenly turned the squid off before he would give himself away....and he was being forced into that tunnel again and there was light and then he was...

...back in her living room. Back to being Miss Parker.

She grabbed the squid on her head and jerked it off and it went flying through the room and ended up somewhere on the floor where she wouldn't have to see it anymore.

For a few minutes she was just sitting and staring again, like on that day when she had been at the beach. It had been one of these days, when she couldn't bare it anymore, when the Centre had again crossed that line in her mind which said "Don't go any further." But the Centre always did it, had always been able to do it, mess with her mind untill she just wanted to throw up and hide somewhere. She had skipped the throwing up, but the beach had been a good place for hiding that day. And a lot of days before. She didn't know how Jarod had found out about it.

She hadn't seen Jarod that day, of course not. And she didn't want to know what she wouldn't have done if she had seen him.

"What do you want from me, Jarod?" she whispered. "Why did you send me that pathetic little clip?"

So what did he want her to know? That he was not pitying her? That he was watching her every day of her damn life?

The phone was ringing then, as if she wouldn't have guessed it would, and she took it and hissed her usual "What?"

"Did you?" he asked.

"Yeah. I `watched` it. Now tell me what you wanted me to know? How I look like when I had a fucked up day?"

"Did you like to feel of the sun on your face?" he said without answering her question. " I liked it a lot. I think I'm going to the beach again soon."

"Really? I'm going to wait for you." She made the threat obvious.

He didn't answer.

"Why did you send it, Jarod? I still don't get the point. Why were you there?"

"I just wanted you to know how it feels like to be intirely free from the Centre. And that sometimes it takes only small things. You just have to open your eyes and see them. The freedom is there, Parker, even with the Centre as near as at that beach."

She put her finger on the cradle.

"Sometimes your little games make me so incredibly tired, Jarod", she whispered. "Did it ever occured to you that maybe I. Just. Don't. Want. To. Know?"

She pressed her finger down and, with that, ended the conversation.

For a long while she just sat there then and didn't do anything. Then suddenly she stood up and went over to where the squid had ended up. She bend down and took it and just held it in her hand.

The beach had been nice. The water, too. And the people had been smiling at her. It was warm. Shiny. A nice day. Just that it hadn't been her day. It had been Jarod's.

It was strange that she hadn't seen the beauty. Why had Jarod seen it but she hadn't?

Why was Jarod so happy? After all these things... Why was Jarod happy about a day as usual as that? Why wasn't she? Maybe if she would have a look at it again? What would be wrong with that? Just to find out... Just to find the beauty.

She fastened the squid back on her head.

"Don't live," she whispered suddenly, " let live."

She pressed the button and vanished into the tunnel.


End.









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