Barely a Whisper by middleman
Summary: I told you I was doing some major work on this story... Well, a few weeks later, expect more depth, more insight and heaps of angst as we dive once more into Major Charles' and Gemini's conflicted relationship! Post Donoterase.
Categories: Season 4 Characters: The Clone
Genres: Angst
Warnings: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 2 Completed: No Word count: 4586 Read: 4605 Published: 15/12/08 Updated: 15/12/08
Story Notes:
 

Disclaimer: I do not own the Pretender series, or any of the characters. I am just a fan adding her two cents in, without making any money out of fan fiction, so please don't sue.

1. Chapter 1 by middleman

2. Chapter 2 by middleman

Chapter 1 by middleman
Author's Notes:
 

Author's note : All my thanks go to Jacci and Topanga, my amazing betas, without whom this piece wouldn't be half as good as I hope it is now...

 

Lost and angry. That's how he really felt, as he followed the older man into the shabby olive green motel room. Quite frankly, the musty smell did nothing to improve the situation. But he knew that wasn’t the correct answer; his “guardian” expected something else.

"I'm just tired," he sighed, dropping his bag on the stained green carpet and resting the back of his head against the dirty pink flowers which decorated the aging wallpaper.

The lie came to him mechanically, acquired through a lifetime of conditioning and unbeknownst to Gem, it was also the auto-response of every teen across the U.S., when questioned by a parent. He knew he hadn't convinced anyone but he also knew his lie wouldn't be questioned. He knew he should feel remorse, but he also knew that the feeling had been erased from his psyche a long time ago. He knew so many things; only now, facts were no longer enough.

Instead, his new “guardian” kept talking about emotions - things foreign to him – things like safety, caring, trust, love, family. Telling him how important they all were. Gem understood of course, he was a genius, after all. He just couldn't believe the hollow words had any substance. And from Gem’s perspective, neither did the Major, really, but the old man was too scared of this truth to see it. As much as Gem was hurt by the other man's cowardice, he also understood it. After 30 years spent chasing the missing pieces of his family, it would destroy him to acknowledge that the whole picture had changed somewhere along the way; it was his fantasy to keep – for now.

But the cruellest part of it was that without this realization, there would never be any place for Gem in the family... He closed his eyes and tried to swallow the unfairness of it all. Sometimes he really hated being a Pretender, it would have been so much more comfortable to assume the old man was just a cold, indifferent fool.

Gem lifted the blue rucksack containing his few clothes and his secret stash of stolen sweets and dropped it on one of the beds, claiming it for the night. Had he been braver, he would have said something to Major Charles about choosing a better motel next time, but he was just too scared that Jarod's father would tell him to pack his things and find himself a more suitable place to sleep. There was more than one coward in the room. Hearing the mattress squeak when he sat down to test it, the thought crossed his mind, not for the first time, that if Jarod had done his job properly and simmed out all the scenarios for the exchange at the airstrip, they wouldn't be here, two wounded strangers stuck together by the desperate words of a frantic man... How was that supposed to work when the only link between them had chosen to be taken back and leave them to their own devices? That had to be one of the worst decisions Jarod had ever made, at least that was one thing both he and Major Charles agreed on.

Yet, out of respect for Jarod, and after days of being told that it was okay to speak, even without being spoken to, even though he was pretty certain that the idea was a bad one - but what if he was wrong, what if there was even one chance in a million to break the loneliness, to stumble and fall but fall into welcoming arms? - Gem had tried to let his "father" in.

One morning he declared out of the blue that the only feelings Donoterase had not suppressed completely in him were fear, anger and loneliness, that yearning for attachment had been the last one to die out, that- but before he could get any further, the look of horror and pity on the other man's face had stopped him dead. The Major just wasn't ready for this. No matter what he had said about being there for Gem, no matter that he wanted to be there for Gem, he didn't want to know, not the details, not when his real son had endured a similar fate for thirty years. Not now that Jarod was back in the Centre's clutches after his incomprehensible sacrifice at the airstrip.

No matter how much he wanted to, Gem couldn't blame the major, not when in all his life he had only ever met two people who really wanted to know the truth: one was likely being tortured at the moment and the other... The very memory of her visit, as soothing and intense as her penetrating blue eyes had been, was a sanctuary to him. At least one person in this world cared. Whether anyone else ever would, remained to be seen. He knew that he needed to learn how to interact in social situations, but without anyone to guide him, without any reference material, Gem found it extremely problematic. Being honest about his past only served to scare the major away, yet he couldn't think of another way to reach out. So after that first botched attempt, Gem had never tried to explain again. From then on, he had always spoken carefully, each word calculated to cause as little disturbance as possible.

Sighing at the obvious brush-off, the Major did not press Gem for an answer. They were at an impasse, both caught up within their own inner turmoil and at a loss for how to cross the great divide.

"You'd better go to bed soon, then" he answered, but his attention was already on something else. 

As usual, the first thing he would do that night was to set up his computer and secure an Internet connection; he was already counting the number of outlets in the room. 

While the Major was busy unpacking and connecting everything, Gem slipped into the bathroom to get ready for the night. He quickly changed into his well-worn Centre clothes which he still slept in, despite the pointed looks he wouldn't fail to draw from his roommate in the morning. They were familiar and acted as an anchor for the young Pretender. Because he knew that tonight, like every other night since he had been "rescued," the world would start spinning as soon as he laid down to rest. The familiar clothing could not protect him from the stream of shifting images which spiralled in his mind: flashes of the SIM lab, of his cell, captured instants of his days with the major, the lab again, props from past simulations scattered on his desk... doctors in white, incongruous in the sunlight, and what were they all doing at the reception desk? But before he could figure it out, he was back in his cell again, isolated for awhile... Maybe now he would be able to make sense of things. And when Dr Raines' wheezing voice started echoing in his head -
It's all here Gemini... all you need to know... Why can't you make sense of it?- the familiar feel and smell of the grey cotton reminded him that he wasn't insane. His last tangible link to his former life, the proof that what swirled in his head had actually happened, that he wasn't suffering from a psychotic disorder.

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Gem crossed the distance to his bed in three quick strides and slipped into the cold sheets, trying to slow his breathing down in order to relax. He made a conscious effort to unclench his fists and forced himself to ignore the raspy threats fluttering around his mind – they were always worse at night- focusing instead on his immediate surroundings, like the lumpy pillow beneath his head, Major Charles' slightly slumped shoulders outlined against the whiteness of a computer screen and the sound of fingers tapping quickly on the laptop.

Was the older man really that blind that he did not see the silent war which Gem fought every night against ghouls and memories? Didn't he care? The teenager took a deep breath and clenched his teeth, purposely pushing away his resentment at the major's seemingly oblivious attitude.

Even if his new existence was confusing, even if he felt a barrier between him and the rest of the outside world, it was still better than the life he had led before. Even if he was the Major's reluctant second chance at being a father. Even if every look he got from his "dad" was a mixture of pity, hatred and misguided love. At least the old man was trying. At least he wasn't Dr Raines. At least Gem hadn't been beaten in 72 hours. At least now, the only things assaulting him at night were nightmares and memories.

Fears and frustrations he could repress. And for the Major's sake he would pretend to be alright, just like Jarod did. And then, when it was all over, when Jarod came back to them and they were free... Gem's mind latched onto this idea and obediently started what had become the boy's favourite simulation and best way to find some kind of peace at night. Funny how it hadn’t occurred to him that his sim was the same as the Major’s fantasy.

 

 

 

 

 

End Notes:
Reviews are always much appreciated!
Chapter 2 by middleman
Author's Notes:
 

Many many thanks to Jacci and Topanga, faithful friends and betas extraordinaire who in turn spurred me on and reined me in to get the best out of my writing!

 

A cheap motel room in Maryland

Gemini woke to the familiar feeling of being obeserved. Without thinking he was quickly on his feet and standing very straight. A second later, gaze lowered at the floor, he remembered where he was. Obviously no longer at Donoterase, and yet Mr Raines' commands still ruled his reactions.

Gem was angry at himself.
Why couldn't he just accept his new situation and behave like a normal boy now instead of constantly reminding his roomate that he was a Centre project? On the other hand normal was foreign to him and if they thought that 15 years of training could so easily disappear in a week... Jarod should have known better...

Raising his eyes confirmed what his internal body clock had already told him, it was still night outside.


"What can I do for you, sir? " he asked without relaxing his posture.

Charles had been pondering their situation for hours and no matter which way he looked at it, he couldn't think of an obvious solution. There were options, of course, but all were flawed and the more he thought about the future, the more he worried. Unconsciously, the full force of his concentration had come to rest upon the sleeping boy. And instead of coming up with a clearer idea of what he should do, it seemed all he had managed to accomplish was wake the boy up and make him feel ill at ease... Not the best of starts for the conversation Charles had in mind, but it would have to do.

"I didn't mean to disturb your sleep but since you're awake.... We need to talk, Gem. " the older man replied slowly.

Talk.

Because the last time they had tried that, it had ended up so well... Paradoxically, silence stretched for a while and though it made Gem feel discomfitted, he knew that unless he was gathering facts for a sim, asking questions had always been dangerous. Except perhaps the major had meant it when he had said that Gem could speak whenever he wanted now... But before he plucked up the courage to say something, Major Charles had found his voice again.

"When Jarod and I rescued you, we wanted you to have a real life in a real family, our family, " he started slowly, his focus never wavering from Gem's face.

"Far away from the Centre. But now that Jarod is- "

The older man fell silent for a second, unable to say the words out loud and give more substance to a reality that threatened to engulf him in guilt and pain whenever he thought about it. It was stupid and Charles knew it, yet he couldn't help himself.

Thinking that the major needed help with voicing the facts, that perhaps that was why he had needed to talk, Gem supplied the end of the sentence for him.

"Now that Jarod has been recaptured by the Centre, is that what you're trying to say, sir? "

Major Charles froze at the mention of his son's predicament and slowly sat up in his chair. He threw a sharp look at the teenager standing across the room, trying to decide whether the boy was being deliberately cruel or simply horribly insensitive. Both seemed equally possible coming from a child raised by Raines. Shoving his pain and guilt back where they had sprung from, he told himself that the boy's motives didn't matter. He was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now.
Innocent until proven guilty... Sometimes it was hard to be fair.

"Listen, I am going to have to work very hard to bring this family back together, " the major started again, visibly making efforts to stay on topic.

The careful wording didn't escape Gem's notice. The major hadn't included him by saying
our family this time, but neither had he shut him out by saying my family. He was apparently reserving his judgement for now. Maybe there was hope after all.

"I will have to stay around Blue Cove much longer than I had originally planned, longer than would be safe for you anyway, "

Instantly, the little flicker of hope which the major's cautious words had lit up in Gem was snuffed out, as the rest of the old man's words faded out. It didn't take a great pretender to sim out the end of this conversation.

Major Charles was getting rid of him.

The all too well-known feeling of loneliness slammed back into him with such a force that for a moment Gem felt himself freeze inside. But he couldn't afford to give in to the anguish of forced isolation again; he had to think.

The boy’s thoughts were racing out of control. Major Charles would probably allow him to pack a change of clothes and maybe give him some food but what then? Gem didn't have any money, he didn't even know exactly where they were in relation to the Centre... All the possible courses of action flooded his mind at once and Gem saw himself simultaneously hitching a ride, walking on the roadside, stealing food, breaking into an abandoned house and begging for money. Few of these strategies held any promise of success. And he still hadn't made his mind up where to go. What if he went back to Donoterase? He knew what to expect... a punishment more severe than... But afterwards it would be back to the routine, the safe dullness of sims. And if not Donoterase, then where else? Without a clearly defined goal, he couldn't start planning and without a plan he would more than likely end up being caught by the police. They'd think he was a runaway child, start looking for records, find nothing and then... Then he would really be in trouble. No one could know who he was. What he was.

"You're not listening, boy, are you? " The major's voice was neutral, but his look was searching.

The direct question jolted him back to reality. A direct question couldn't go unanswered, he had learnt this lesson long ago.

"Yes, sir, I am listening, " Gem answered quietly. "But Major, please, I need more time. I won't disturb you... Don't send me away... yet. Please. "

Gem hoped his voice hadn't sounded too desperate. He knew some people considered outright begging despicable and a sign of weakness, but he really wanted a chance to show Major Charles that he could be useful. The young pretender was firmly convinced that he was the best at what he did and that his help would be invaluable to Major Charles. Except for some illogical reason it wasn't wanted.

"I am sorry, kid, I have no choice... " Major Charles replied, looking sincerely apologetic.

"But I am sure my friends will take very good care of you. And I promise the Centre doesn't know about them, you'll be safe there, " he offered, hoping to soothe the boy's anxiety.

Gem's attention was fully focused on the older man now. Not only on what was being said but also, more importantly on what wasn't. Tone of voice, body language, the slightest hesitation or waver in the major's voice was valuable information to Gem.

What people said was only the tip of the iceberg, only about 20% of the data available in any given situation, and though most people unconsciously picked up on some of the silent communication that went on, he had been trained to notice everything, file it and analyze it to see through people and their motives.

There were many layers to the man in front of him. Regret, yes, and worry. But also guilt at abandoning the one whom his son had entrusted to him, as well as a heavy sense of failure. Look deeper still and there was concealed relief underlying the major's behaviour, probably resulting from having decided upon a course of action, and one that would lead him away from the source of his confusion at that.

But what really hurt Gem and pricked his temper were the doubts and distrust he could almost see, the guardedness which the major retained in his eyes, the slight stiffness in his posture, as if he expected Gem to betray him any second. An alarm bell began ringing in his head and he replayed Major Charles' words in his mind. Wait a minute...

"Friends? "

It seemed that, absorbed in his analysis of the situation, Gem had missed a vital piece of information.
This is unacceptable Gemini. You know what it means... Doing his best to ignore Dr Raines' threat, Gem imagined Miss Parker by his side, his own guardian angel. I won't let him hurt you anymore, she had promised. Then she had kissed his temple.

"Yes, my friends. Isis and Rachel. Own a farm? In Vermont? Weren't you listening? " The major was losing patience now and there was a sharper edge to his words.

Miss Parker's soothing presence vanished and the pretender felt his temper flare up.

"These friends, do they know I'm coming? " Gem asked suspiciously, again attempting to tease out the Major’s real intentions.

Major Charles remained silent one second too long, yet, evidently long enough for Gemini’s mind to get the better of him again. The major obviously took a lot for granted. Either that, or he was overseeing obvious flaws to his plan in his haste to get rid of his awkward companion. And if there was one thing Gem had been taught to despise and hate it was carelessness. Rushed simulations always led to all sorts of unpleasantness and he was not going to let an amateur get him into trouble! Mr Raine's malevolent laughter reverberating in the back of his mind only spurred his angry outburst. He never raised his voice but his words were laced with a mixture of anger, contempt and fear and each of them hit home as he spat them out.

"Have you told your friends about your plan? What makes you so sure they will cooperate? When is the last time you even talked to them? What if they can't take me in? What if they don't want to? You just want to get rid of me as quickly as possible so you can get your true son back! Well, fine, but don't leave me at the mercy of strangers, at least give me a chance! " Without warning, Gem felt tears of frustration rise unbidden to his eyes.

Now was not the time to display any weakness, but the emotional upheaval of the last few days was finally catching up with him. He felt powerless again, as powerless as he had ever been at Donoterase, only this time there was no framing routine, no rules by which to abide in order to stay safe. Gem didn't know what to expect from this
solution and it scared him. He only knew from experience that strangers were rarely a good thing. They were unknown quantities added to the equation of his life, complicating everything. He was still trying to recover from the last two he had met and the changes they had brought into his life, he didn't think he could successfully handle more so soon. Faced with the possibility of failure, Gem panicked and something broke in him.

"All your big speeches about family!" Lashing out was the only way to deal with feelings he’d seen modeled at the Centre and Gem was practically shouting now.

"Can't you see that they're all lies, as cheap and empty as this horrible place! " Gem saw the major's eyes widen and knew he had just crossed a line but he was too livid to care.

A part of him wondered why he was further destroying his only shot at being part of a family, but it was too late now. He didn't know if he even wanted to take back what he had said. He felt like a captive eagle flying freely for the first time, spreading his furious wings and soaring, higher and higher, amazed at the lack of restraint, intoxicated by the sudden immensity of his freedom.

"And the genius wins a prize! " roared Major Charles, jumping from his seat. For a second it looked as though he was going to storm out of the room, but he settled for pacing back and forth like a caged beast.

"You know what? I am tired of living in crappy motel rooms, running after the members of my family. Tired of losing them again and again to the goddamn Centre. And lately, tired of racking my brains for a way to fit in my son's clone in the family tree! Can't you understand that, Gemini?"

Gem plummeted back to earth, taken aback by the violent answer to his own accusations. Being called by his code name hurt, coming from the man who had rescued him from the Centre, but less so than hearing the same man refer to him as a clone. Yet that's what he was. A clone, a copy. Dr Raines' genetic experiment. The young pretender blinked several times very quickly and looked down at his feet, trying to reppress unwanted emotions and regain control of himself.

Confronted with the boy's obvious vulnerability and defenselessness, the major's anger vanished as swiftly as it had come, leaving only a tremendous weariness behind. He took a deep breath and crossed the room until he was standing next to Gem who stubbornly refused to look at him. Jarod's father slowly put his hand on the boy's shoulder, feeling him tense under his touch. He didn't remove his hand and drew the boy into a hug instead. It was time for him to start behaving like a responsible adult, instead of a wounded teenager.
If only you were here Margaret, you'd be so much better at this.

"I'm sorry, kid," he began, hoping that the fragile balance they had found since the boy had entered his life could be restored after their heated argument. "I shouldn't have lost my temper. What I said... I didn't really mean what I said...I think I have been alone and on the run for too long, my social skills aren't what they used to be..."

The joke was feeble but it was the best he could manage. Not an excuse, not an explanation, but a way to apologize and let Gem know that an argument didn't have to mean the end of anything. He wondered if the boy understood. It was so hard to know with him, so hard to keep up. One minute he was cold as a marble tomb and the next he turned into a whirling mess of raw emotions...

"I want us all to be a happy family someday, including you...son. "the major added in a firmer voice, tightening the hug before softening his hold again.

He hoped the teenager hadn't noticed the hesitation, but he knew that wasn’t the case. Gem noticed everything; he had barely been with his own son to know that about him too. He gently tilted Gem's chin up until he could look into his eyes. The boy winced in anticipation and refused to meet his eyes but didn't otherwise resist him, obviously expecting punishment for his behaviour, yet accepting it stoically.
Raines, you bastard, I hope you burn in hell when your time comes... Charles waited patiently until Gem relaxed a fraction and warily met his eye, only for an instant, but it was enough to know that he had his attention once more.

"But it's not going to happen until I bring Jarod back and I can't do that if I am constantly worrying about you... I am only trying to do the best I can, for all of us." Jarod's name, spoken in the Major's soft, tired voice, hung in the air between them for a moment. A bridge? A barrier? Perhaps they didn't have to decide just yet...

"If Isis and Rachel can't take care of you then we'll find another solution, I promise. And now get some rest, it's a long drive to Vermont and we're leaving soon. "

The major opened his arms to release Gem, expecting him to move out of reach immediately, but the teenager held on tightly and Charles, surprised and moved, closed his arms around the hurting boy once more. Maybe that was all he needed, reassurance. What they both needed... After what felt like an impossibly long time, Charles felt Gem's fists slowly relax on his back, then gradually, cautiously, his whole body softened. Another eternity elapsed and finally the frightened pretender surrendered and rested his cheek on the major's shoulder.

What if there was even one chance in a million to break the loneliness, to stumble and fall but fall into welcoming arms? Gem was genuinely surprised at how safe he felt in the Major's arms. Maybe there was hope still. Against all odds, and even if all their differences and misunderstandings still loomed on the horizon, Gem had fallen into welcoming arms at last and the strength and peace he drew from the knowledge that Major Charles cared were indescribable.

Neither of them dared to move, for fear of destroying the fragile moment. One shaky breath, then another, and another again. A handful of shared heartbeats. Then Gem took a step back, and looked in his father's eyes for the first time.

"So this is a hug...." he simply said, a shy smile playing on his lips. "Thank you."

Major Charles nodded, too overcome by emotion to say anything. His heart breaking at the sight of the boy surreptitiously wiping away a tear as he slipped into bed, he almost reconsidered his decision to send him away, but wisdom told him to sleep on it. In the morning, things would be clearer.

End Notes:
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