Disclaimer: This is first in the five-part series, "Kiss Me." I don't own "The Pretender" or any of its characters, so thanx for not suing. Enjoy! ~Oriana

[Editor’s note: This author has been deemed ‘lost’, for more information please see the FAQ and profile.]


Kiss Me
Seventh Time Had Better Be A Charm 1/1
Oriana Lemke


She gave a deep sigh, rubbed the bridge of her nose and plunked down onto the nearest park bench. A few moments later, she looked up as a man appeared, stating in an irritated voice everything he was writing on the clipboard in his hand: "Romantic music and candles, check. Doors jammed, power outage from storm, wood for a fire--check, check, check."

"We did everything but push their lips together with our own hands. What is it going to take with those two?"

"Well, if divine intervention were an option, I'd choose that. However, considering that's us, let's face it--we're screwed." He plopped down on the bench next to the woman. "We did everything right. How could it possibly go wrong?"

She gave him a knowing look. "The moment the Centre entered the picture, I knew this was going to be a difficult attempt. Lately, where ever those two went, trouble followed."

He looked down to the ground, and said in a low voice, "I can't believe they're dead."

"I know." Her voice was equally sad. "And I hate to tell ya, but it doesn't get easier each time. If anything, it gets harder."

"Oh, you're a great relief," he replied sarcastically.

"Well, look at their track record: double quinine poisoning, one eaten by a lion and the other by a shark, car wrecks on opposite ends of Greece, and now, shot by sweepers in a cabin. And those are just the easier deaths. Apparently dying of old age in their sleep just isn't interesting enough for those two." He grimaced at the images. "They didn't even admit their feelings for each other—usually they get at least that far." She sighed again. "Let's face it--the term 'star-crossed lovers' is not a challenge."

"Still, from what you told me, they made it farther than usual. How many times have they died before they hit 20?" The man groaned, and rubbed his face. "And we'll get absolutely nothing out of this--they obviously won't remember anything, and we can't tell them, or we get kicked out of reality--"

"Like I was. I tried too bluntly to change their future, and Destiny had me shot. Real nice of her, making me live the rest of that life out as a ghost."

He shook his head. "If they only knew..."

"What? That I only played her mother because it made it easier to keep an eye on things, or that you, his brother, became a guardian angel after your death, with them as your first assignment?" She snorted. "Yeah, that'd go over real well. Let's see, how could we explain it? '130 years ago, I was assigned as your guardian angel when you were both killed in a fire set by a jealous lover. You've been my hardest case, considering you've gone through six lives, and still haven't managed to do things right. He and I can't move on to our next assignments until you two live happily ever after together.' " She laughed. "It sounds like the script for a really bad soap opera."

He grinned. "Tell me about. So, now what?"

"Now, we wait."

"For what?"

"The next life description. A little packet will just appear out of nowhere, describing how they'll start out in their next lives. Then we'll be pushed forward in time to their births. Then it starts all over again. This time you'll get to see it from the beginning." True to her words, a thin manila envelope appeared at their feet a few minutes later. Picking it up, Catherine read it, then gawked in disbelief. "This has to be a joke."

"What?" he asked suspiciously.

"Good news first, or bad?"

"Might as well give me the bad first."

"Mr. Parker's her father, again. And Lyle's back as the brother."

"You've got to be kidding!"

"On the bright side, Mr. Parker's working in corporate takeovers this time. He's as evil as ever, but at least he doesn't have the power of a place like the Centre behind him. And Lyle will remain with the family, meaning no abusive foster father, meaning no development of psychopathic instincts."

"Well, that's not too bad."

"Who said I was finished?"

He gave her a withering look. "There's more?"

"Isn't there always? Jarod doesn't have any siblings this time around--"

"What about Emily?" he demanded. He would've been notified if she'd been sent straight to heaven. Besides, she was far better fit for this guardian stuff than him.

"Her soul will return, but not as Jarod's brother. Instead, she's been chosen as a friend of Parker's and..." She glanced down at the paper one more time to be sure, gulped, then hesitantly finished, "...and eventually, Lyle's wife."

"What?!"

"Chill, he won't be a serial killer, so all is well. In fact, these records suggest a rather tolerable guy, nice, athletic, a real family man. Besides, nothing we can do--it's one of the few things about these people that's set in stone."

He folded his arms and closed his eyes. Dead or not, he'd give anything for a couple of aspirin. "Anything else I should know?"

"They aren't even going to be in the same town until they're 18."

He shot up. "We have to wait 18 years before we even have a shot?!"

"Unfortunately."

"So, what's the good news?"

"We don't have to bother with the rules of reality." Her nose wrinkled. "You know, can't walk through walls, can't levitate stuff. All the perks of being guardian angels. Mrs. Parker's her own woman this time around, and you're home free since Jarod's an only child, so..."

"Yeah, yeah." He looked around expectantly. "When do we go?" Even as he spoke, the park around them began to grow fuzzy.

"Right now."

Seconds later, they were standing in front of a window, looking happily at a little baby tucked under a blue blanket. A nurse paused, and stuck a name tag on his crib: Jarod Russell.

"Wow."

"Isn't it great?" she smiled. "To think, soon we'll be cursing them once again, for being too dense to figure out their feelings for each other."

"Yeah, just like old times."

She laughed, then snapped her fingers, and they appeared at another hospital half way across the country, where another newborn was just being placed into her crib, with a name tag already signed. But the nurse was in the way, and all he could see of the name tag was the last name.

"'Parker' ?" he read out loud. "This is a joke, right?" He had never learned her first name in the last life.

"Sorry, but rules are rules. Even 130 years ago, her name was precious to her--something prized by a soul is never just given out. You weren't meant to know, not yet. But look at the bright side--these two are meant to eventually be guardian angels too. Working as a couple, of course--entwined souls always do. Then, when she learns of how long you've watched out over her and Jarod, I don't doubt that she'll tell you. Until then, you'll just have to wait."

"I suppose," he sighed. "Well, ready to get to work?"

"Of course," she smiled. "After all, we've got a lot to do, and only 18 years."

"Unless things get mucked up again," he pointed. "At this rate, we may have an eternity to get it right."

"Quiet, you." Catherine and Kyle laughed.

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Pretender" or any of its characters. Thanx for not suing! ~Oriana


Kiss Me
At First Sight 1/1
Oriana Lemke


"This is not a good idea," the boy fretted.

"Relax," the other assured. "What could possibly go wrong?"

"Wrong?" he squeaked. "We stand here, in the middle of the Jameson Carter High School gymnasium, on a school day, with a wooden ramp and a motorcycle, and you honestly have to ask what could go wrong?!"

"Aw, calm down." He glanced down at his watch. "You're already half an hour late for class. Go ahead."

The younger, shorter boy didn't need any more urging, but he did pause at the door long enough to say, "Uh, Jarod, man, don't kill yourself, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," he grinned. "No sweat, Broots. But thanks." He nodded, and hurried off to class.

Jarod rubbed his hands together and inspected his handiwork proudly. "Showtime."

~~~~~~~~~

A shiny new BMW pulled up to the high school. Inside, an older man dressed in a sharp Armani suit continued to bark orders in his cell phone, oblivious to the girl looking expectantly at him from the passenger's seat. She watched him for a few more minutes, annoyed, then finally got out of the car with a huff and slammed the door. A moment later, the window rolled down and a voice called out, "Oh, Angel."

She turned, allowing herself to half-hope he'd change his mind and come in with her. "Yes, daddy?"

"Tell your mother I'll be late for dinner tonight, all right?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but he was already pulling off as the window rolled back up. She sighed, and turned to face the school. It took a few deep breaths before she forced her feet to move. You'd think after five high schools in four years, she thought, you'd be used to starting over.

Inside, she looked about blankly. She'd never even been inside before. Her mother had called in about getting her registered, but the rest was up to her, now that daddy had bailed. She heard weird noises coming from a set of large doors to her left, and decided to go in there. She needed to find out where the office was.

The leggy brunette opened the doors, and the noise immediately multiplied as she walked in. It wasn't the blaring noise that caught her attention, however; it was the huge motorcycle racing through the air across the gym, right at her. With a frightened shriek she dove out of the way.

~~~~~~~~~
She had managed to smooth her disheveled hair in the bathroom, but she'd skinned her knee on the linoleum. Now she sat in a chair outside the principal's office in the waiting area, waiting expectantly for him to finish up with whoever was in there now. The bell rang, and people began to pour out of their classrooms, out into the hallways. There were a rather large number of people slowing as they passed the office. In fact, quite a few were even walking in, giving the secretary a knowing look, chatting as they pointed to the closed door.

"He's done it again."

"D'you hear about it?"

"Who hasn't?"

"He's in for it this time."

"Man, that guy's gonna leave here a legend."

"Yeah, or in a bodybag. Remember the time with the chains at the bottom of the school swimming pool?"

"And the sulfate in the chemistry lab."

She smoothed her skirt, crossed her legs, and pretended not to hear. Obviously they were talking about that maniac who'd practically run her over.

Catherine and Kyle stood at the other end of the room. Catherine was slapping her forehead, while Kyle was taking the more direct approach, and just knocking his head against the nearest wall. "Thirteen seconds," he moaned. "We put them in the same building for thirteen seconds, and he nearly kills her."

~~~~~~~~~

"Jarod, what am I going to do with you?" asked a distinctly European voice, looking at the folder before him. "I've known you for 18 years; hell, I've been been living next door sinceyour parents brought you home from the hospital. Since preschool you've been pulling these stunts, each more incredible than the last. Every time I think you can't outdo yourself, you go and prove me wrong." The tall teenager fidgeted in his seat. The principal sighed, and relaxed in his leather chair. "All right, what was it this time?"

"Calculus."

"You're blaming a life-risking stunt on a math class?"

"I was bored; I mean, come on, Syd, we both know I already understand everything Mrs. Gunderson's teaching in that class. And I was just sitting there last week when she said something about ramps, and that's when I got the idea."

Sydney drank the last of his coffee, sincerely wishing there was a shot or two of something stronger in it, then settled back in his chair. He deliberated for a moment, then said, "All right, you know the drill. Your mom's on her way to pick you up. You'll be suspended for two days, same as usual." Jarod nodded, stood up and swung his backpack over his arm. "Oh, and I want you to wait for her here, outside my office."

Jarod gave him a confused look. "Why?"

"Because I said so, now move!" The senior shrugged and walked out the door. Sydney pressed a button on the intercom. "Miss Birch, please tell Miss Parker that I'm going to need a few moments."

"Of course, sir." Syd grinned mischieviously. He'd seen that girl stomp in here earlier, right after her run-in with Jarod. She had fire, he liked that about her. And it wouldn't hurt Jarod a bit to spend a few minutes with her.

~~~~~~~~~

Jarod shut the door behind him, and was about to sit down in the empty seat when he realized with a start who it was sitting in the other. "Hey, you're her!"

Parker snapped out of her thoughts, and was about to politely reply when she realized just who he was. "You're the pscho that nearly hit me!" she cried, jumping up.

"Psycho! What are you talking about--you're fine. Besides," he couldn't help but add, "if you were in class like you were supposed to, you wouldn't have been in my way."

"It's rather hard to go to class when you don't have any," she snapped.

"You're new," he realized. "That explains why I didn't recognize you. I know practically everyone at this school."

"Congratulations. Meanwhile, I've got a bruised and skinned knee, and a few years shaved off my life." He couldn't help but burst out laughing. Her blood boiling, Parker put her hands on her hips. "I fail to see what's so funny."

"You," he managed. "You just look so intense." Parker's eyes narrowed, but she didn't say anything, merely sat down and glared in the opposite direction silently.

He sensed that he'd hit a nerve, and immediately regretted it. He wasn't sure why, but bantering with this girl was fun. Sitting down on the chair, he said softly, "Sorry if I said something wrong."

"Whatever."

He offered his hand. "Jarod Russell."

She studied him for a moment, then shook his hand. He was impressed with her strong, self-assured grip. "Miss Parker."

He raised an eyebrow. "Miss, huh? Little formal, don't you think?"

"It's the way I prefer it."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I just always have. I guess there's just something about them, so personal, you know?"

He nodded, then felt a little guilty as he spotted her scraped knee. "Sorry about the whole motorcycle thing. Does it hurt?"

"Nah, I'm tough. It'll heal." She looked at him, and her blue eyes were sparkling with humor. "Mind telling me just what the hell you were doing?"

"Proving a theory."

"A theory."

"Yeah. See, I did the math in my head, and calculated the exact speed and distance it would take for a motorcycle to be able to go up a ramp and make it to the other side of the gymnasium, with enough time to hit the brakes when you land. I knew it'd work, but I just had to test it out in person, prove it for myself, you know?"

She nodded. "You'd make a good scientist one day."

"Nope, I'm gonna be a doctor."

She straighted in her chair. "Really? I want to study medicine too."

"That's great. Any field chosen yet?"

"Pediatrics, or prenatal, maybe. Something to do with children."

"Incredible, I want to do the exact same." Soon they were chatting like old friends, discussing plans for the future. Catherine and Kyle could only stand by and gawk. How had things turned around so quickly?

Before either one knew it, Mrs. Russell was in the doorway, shaking her head but obviously trying very hard to keep from laughing. "Another experiment?"

"Of course," Jarod grinned, standing up. He turned back to Parker. "Listen, welcome to Carter High." He held up a slip of paper she'd given him. "I'll call you, okay?"

"Great, talk to you then." Jarod followed his mom out, and Sydney called Miss Parker in.

"Well, she seemed nice," Mrs. Russell commented as they headed to the back parking lot.

"Yeah," he agreed distractedly. "Nice." He couldn't get his mind off her eyes. And that laugh...

~~~~~~~~~

Lucky thing that guardian angels have such a quick sixth sense, because they needed it the rest of the day. Jarod and Parker, without absolutely no warning, would let their minds wander at the most inoportune times.

They were just coming to check on Parker when she began to cross the street; as she concentrated on how smart her new friend Jarod was, the busy lanes were completely forgotten.

"Bus!" Kyle called out.

"Got her," Catherine replied, grabbing Parker by the collar of her shirt and pulling her back just in the knick of time. Parker shook herself out of her reverie, realized how lucky she was to have tripped backward like that, and headed on across the street. A picture flashed past Catherine, and she yelled out, "Car!"

"Right!" Kyle shouted, then appeared across the town and yanked Jarod out of the path of a speeding car with just seconds to spare.

~~~~~~~~~

That night, exhausted by watching out for their charges all day, Catherine and Kyle walked through the park in a little daze of their own at the way things had turned out.

"He almost kills her, yet they still manage to turn things around," Kyle remarked in disbelief.

"They're already showing the first signs of infatuation," Catherine added, equally shocked.

"You know what this means."

"Yeah--they might actually have a shot this time around."

~~~~~~~~~

The end of the year. It'd snuck up on them so quickly, it was hard to believe. And yet here they were at prom, with less than a month before graduation.

A soft tune was playing in the gym, now ramp-free, which was darkened and covered in balloons and streamers. In the middle of the dancefloor was Jarod and Parker, comfortably slow dancing in each other's arms. They'd grown close in less than a year, really close. Of course, that closeness was more of a reality to Jarod, who had come to a startling realization just two months ago: he really cared for Parker. Not just in a friend sort of way, but closer. Like some sort of unexplainable trust, an unspoken bond between them. It was a promise of safety, he decided, an oath to protect and care for each other, no matter what.

Parker, in her pale blue gown, looked up at Jarod, feeling warm, safe, and most importantly, happy. "I have never felt so close to anyone before in my entire life," she marveled.

"Me neither," he admitted.

"You're my best friend. I've never actually told you that, have I?"

He smiled. "You don't need to."

"So, as a friend, tell the truth--you had at least twenty girls begging to come with you. Why choose some stuffy old friend over the most eligible girls of our school?"

"It was an easy choice. Besides, you've had even more offers."

"I know, but it just wouldn't be the same."

"Precisely. Besides, why come on a date with someone you barely know, when you can take someone who's gonna be right there with you at Harvard Medical?"

She grinned at the thought. "I still can't believe we're going. God, this is going to be a blast."

"I can't wait either."

She smiled at his honesty, then wrapped her arms around his neck tighter, holding him closer. Shyly, she whispered, "Jarod, I want to tell you something."

Catherine and Kyle stood near the punch bowl, and he, alert as ever, demanded, "What are they doing? Something important's happening, isn't it?" Catherine just smiled, and his eyes widened. "You mean she's telling him..."

She nodded. "Yep, her name."

Back in the middle of the dancefloor, Jarod was beaming. He gave her a supportive hug, then whispered into her ear, "Thank you."

Staying close, they continued to dance closely, oblivious to anything else. Slowly, the spotlights that had been playing about the dancers all met on the couple, and followed their slow sway.

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Pretender" or any of ist characters. Thanx for not suing! ~Oriana


Kiss Me
Welcoming Committees 1/1
Oriana Lemke


Jarod dropped the last box on the floor, and looked around with a sigh of satisfaction. This place was great--wide open rooms and plenty of windows. Best of all, it was just blocks from the hospital. Parker pushed through the door behind him and tossed down his duffel bag. "I'm so glad you bought this place. A few coats of paint on the walls, and you'll have a picture-perfect apartment."

He grinned at the thought of Parker working with paint. This was gonna be fun.

~~~~~~~~~

An hour later, the apartment was completely transformed. Paper had been spread out to protect the hardwood floors, and the smell of wet paint was in the air despite the open windows. On stepladders, Jarod and Parker worked their brushes in time to the music playing from the stereo. He paused to look over at her paint job, and chuckled. Donning an old t-shirt of his and a pair of baggy overalls now splattered with white paint, she was a sight. And her ponytail had become somewhat loose, with little strands of hair dangling in her face, which -as she tried impatiently to brush them away- resulted in streaks of paint across her face.

"What's so funny?"

"There's more paint on your face than the walls," Jarod laughed.

She raised an eyebrow, then stepped off her ladder and over to a mirror waiting to be hung, and laughed. He joined in, then she turned to him mischievously. "So you think that's funny, do you?"

"Uh, what're you doing with that brush?" he asked, still laughing but somewhat wary. "Parker..." She dipped it in the pail, then advanced toward him. "Parker, come on." Flick. Little white spots appeared on his face. "Oh, you are so in for it now!" Jumping off his ladder, he began to chase her around the living room.

Both were covered in quite a bit of paint when a light knock came from the door. Still laughing, Jarod went to answer it. In the doorway was a small elderly woman, holding a plate of cookies. She smiled sweetly at Jarod, held up the plate and said, "I wanted to welcome you to the building. I'm Mrs. Miller, I live just down the hall."

"How nice. Hey Parker, come over here." She appeared, and said hello to the woman.

"I didn't know you were married, Mr. Russell."

"Oh, I'm not." Mrs. Miller seemed a bit startled. "Er, this is Miss Parker, a good friend of mine. She was just helping me get settled."

Mrs. Miller visibly relaxed. "I see. Well, how nice of you, dear. Anyhow, I won't keep you long, just wanted to give you a batch of chocolate chip cookies. They're my specialty."

She was clearly proud, and Jarod didn't want to seem rude, but the truth was that whatever those black lumps on the plate were, the one thing they definitely were not was cookies. After a slightly reluctant glance to Parker, he took one from the plate and took a bite. She had to bite her lip from laughing; his face contorted into something between polite appreciate and absolute nausea, and the crunching sound as he attempted to chew the cookie was comical.

He managed to swallow the bite with a bit of force, then smiled at the older woman. "Delicious. Thank you so much."

"Oh, my pleasure," Mrs. Miller beamed. "Well now, I'll just let you to get back to work. See you around, Mr. Russell." She leaned close and added confidentially, "And if you aren't with the little lady there, I have a granddaughter just your age."

He gave an uncomfortable laugh, waved, and shut the door. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Oh, come on," Parker chided, "they couldn't have been that bad."

He held out the plate. "Care to try one?"

She backed up a step. "Thanks, but I'll pass." He shrugged, then carried the plate into the kitchen and dumped the cookies into the trash. She could hear them all the way in the living room, landing in the garbage can like small rocks.

Relaxing on the sofa, Catherine and Kyle breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank god," Catherine said. "We get them to survive motorcycle incidents, college parties and medical school mid-terms. If it was a batch of cookies that did one of them in, I'd have gone batty."

Jarod reappeared. "I probably should've saved a couple. Never know when we'll need an extra paperweight or two around the offices."

Parker just dabbed his nose with the paintbrush and laughed.

~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Parker was in her office signing some papers before rounds, when a knock at the door caught her attention. She looked up to see Jarod, with two large cups of coffee in his hands.

"Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed this."

"Bad morning already?"

"Bad music is more like it," she grimaced. "Whoever's moved into that office next to mine has somehow come to the decision that Hank Williams blasted at 80 decibels is perfectly fine for 6:30 in the morning."

Jarod laughed, and walking in, sat down on the edge of her desk. "Well, they can't all be prince charmings."

"Speaking of prince charmings, I spotted this really cute guy in the elevator this morning."

Jarod nearly choked on his coffee, but kept himself in check. "Really?" He tried to appear nonchalant. "Get his number?"

She laughed. "Yeah, right. You know I never just approach people like that. Besides, the last thing I'm looking for right now is a date. Between the hospital during the week, and weekends keeping up with you, who has time for anything else?"

He grinned, relieved. "Yeah, you're booked pretty tight."

Parker straightened in her chair as someone else knocked on her open door and walked in. Somewhat handsome, maybe a year or two older than them, wearing a doctor's lab coat and walking in a self confident stride. He gave Parker a playboy grin, and Jarod suddenly felt as territorial as a bulldog.

"Hey there," he grinned.

"Hi," Parker smiled back. She got up and walked around her desk to shake hands with him. "I'm Dr. Parker, this is Dr. Russell."

He shook her hand, pointedly ignored Jarod's. "Dr. Doug Winston. It's a pleasure. You're both residents here, I presume."

"Yep, have been for over a year now. We're in charge of the pediatrics unit for the OR and ER. And what about you?"

"I just arrived. I'm the new cardiac surgeon. In fact, I just moved into the office next to you." Parker's smile faltered momentarily, and Jarod saw a ray of hope.

"Oh, how...nice." Parker composed herself again. "Well, allow us to be the first to say, welcome."

"Thanks."

His lab coat opened a bit, revealing the clothes underneath, and Jarod couldn't help but smirk and say, "Nice bow tie. The red really brings out your eyes."

"You like it? My mother picked it out for me."

"The polka-dot suspenders, too?" he asked politely, trying his damnedest not to laugh.

"Yeah, in fact we went shopping just last night and got them in two more colors. We'd gone out for more cat litter," he informed Parker. "You can imagine how much we go through, with the six cats mother keeps in our apartment."

"Yeah, I bet," she said weakly.

Sensing that she had obviously lost all interest in this man, Jarod came to her rescue, stepping next to her and putting an arm around her waist. "Better get going, honey," he said brightly, giving her a long kiss on the cheek. "If I don't get through that paperwork this morning, we'll be late for dinner with your parents." A quick squeeze and he sauntered out, leaving a grateful Parker and a put-down Dr. Winston behind him. The moment the elevator doors slid shut, Jarod burst out laughing.

And back in the office, Catherine and Kyle had to lean on each other for support, weak from laughter.

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Pretender" or any of ist characters. Thanx for not suing! ~Oriana


Kiss Me
Love and a Soggy Twinkie 1/1
Oriana Lemke


Despite her best efforts, Parker's eyes once again wandered to her watch. 4:47. Great, just great. Just 13 minutes and Friday would be over.

"Hey, there," drawled a familiar voice in front of her. Looking up from the computer screen, Parker managed a small smile in reply to Jarod's lopsided grin. "Ready for the weekend?"

She grimaced. "Don't remind me."

"Why, Parker, I'm surprised at you. You should be thrilled to be having dinner with your family tonight."

"Yeah, them and about ten other people I don't know."

"Aw, come on, it won't be that bad."

She raised an eyebrow. "If that's the case, why aren't you coming along? My mom invited the both of us, you know."

Jarod shifted his feet a little uneasily. "Free dinner and a night in the company of the fabulous Dr. Parker, sure, but dinner, you and Lyle? Thanks, but I think I'll pass."

"What if I had him promise to keep a distance of at least 50 yards from all possible weapons?"

"Still not worth the risk." She didn't reply, but he knew her pouty eyes when he saw them. "Hey, I know what'll cheer you up--you don't have to be there 'til six, right? Wanna stay a few minutes, watch one of those alien autopsy videos?"

"I don't think so." The videos had been a gift from a thankful parent, who just happened to be a conspiracy theorist.

"You sure? We could go with one of the classics, like the one where you can actually see the costume's zipper." Parker had to smile at that. When he'd first watched it, Jaror'd been completely convinced that it was authentic; that is, until she had pointed out the metal line going down the side of the body.

"No, I still have to get my dress from the dry cleaner's." She made a face. "And do my hair and makeup, and pick up a bottle of wine..."

He gave her a sympathetic look. "You could just ditch it, you know. Go home, throw on a pair of jeans, and come on over to my place. We'll order pizza and watch TV or something."

She graced him with one of her grateful smiles. "Tempting. Really tempting." She paused to consider, then sighed. "But no. Thanks, but I did promise mom."

"Well, say hi to her for me."

"What, no kind words for Lyle?"

He thought for a moment, and was about to give a cynical answer when the phone rang. Answering it, Parker's voice instantly changed from the sarcastic tone they always used in their playful banter, to the sweeter pitch reserved for her mother. Jarod stood where he was, listening to her side of the conversation like always.

Parker's eyes suddenly widened in surprise. "You did what?!" Jarod grinned and leaned in a bit. This was getting good.

A pause, then, "But, mom...Yes, I know he did, but that's no excuse to...Of course I will, but that's beside the point...You'd better believe it doesn't...Yes...I said I would, didn't I?...All right...No, I won't forget the wine...Okay...I know, 6:00...Yes, mom...Yeah, see you then." She hung up the phone with an exasperated huff, then turned to look at Jarod. "You're not gonna believe this."

"What?"

"My mother's set me up on a blind date!"

Jarod's grin froze. Ordinarily, he would just laugh at the situation. But Parker on a blind date... "With who?" he managed.

"Beats me. Some guy named David Sommers." Scully rolled her eyes. "Mom hates an uneven table, and she figured that since you wouldn't be there to keep me company, it'd be perfectly fine to throw some stranger in the seat across from me." With an irritated growl, Parker turned off her computer, grabbed a couple of files and her purse, and stood up. "I'd better get going."

"Yeah," he said slowly. "Wouldn't want to be late."

She smiled back. "Very funny. Listen, call me tomorrow--if I don't answer, get a SWAT team to my mom's house."

"Hostage situation or homicide?"

"Depends on how good the wine is. See ya."

"Yeah, see ya." He watched her leave, completely dumbfounded. Pigs were flying. Hell had frozen over. Mr. Parker had found religion. She had a date. Mulder gulped. Recovering from the shock of this, another thought hit him--why was it such a big deal? She was attractive, it was bound to happen. And besides, she was his best friend. He should be encouraging her getting a life, right?

"Well, that answer's a big fat no," he muttered, flopping down into her chair. He leaned back, and began to glare at the ceiling. What was her mom thinking, anyhow? Parker was perfectly fine not seeing anybody. For a moment, he tried to calculate exactly how long it'd been since she'd gone out on a date, then gave up. Hell, the last guy she'd even shown remote interest in was that freaky resident who'd moved into the office next door, and they saw how that had turned out. "Oh, brother. This is gonna be a long night."

~~~~~~~~~

"A really, really long night," Parker said to herself again, parking the car in front of the house. Checking her hair in the rearview mirror, she grabbed the bottle, then headed inside.

Her mother, brother and sister-in-law all greeted her with hugs and kisses. She didn't mother to ask where daddy was; know doubt "working later" with his secretary. She sighed, and turned her attention back to greeting her family. Afterwards, however, came the mingling, and it wasn't long before Parker was beginning to regret never getting a prescription to Valium. Just as an older gentleman, Mr. Downing, from down the street began to describe -in detail- his root canal last week, Emily finally came to her rescue, pulling her into the kitchen with the excuse of helping with the food.

Finding sanction near the stove, the two poured a glass of wine. "So," Emily grinned, "having fun?"

"Absolutely. This party's about as much fun as a tax audit."

"I know what you mean. In fact, where's your bodyguard tonight?"

"You mean Jarod?"

"Never leave home without him," she said in mock seriousness.

"Tell me about it. He chickened out."

"Can't blame him. All I did was mention that your mother'd invited him, and Lyle began to do that twitching thing."

Parker laughed. "He does take big brothers to a new level."

"No, sadly all brothers are territorial oafs when it comes to their little sisters. Must be genetics. You know, just the other day I--" She was cut off by the sound of the front door opening, and Mrs. Parker exclaiming, "Oh, David! So glad you could make it. Right this way."

"Hide me," Parker demanded.

"Oh no," Emily smiled. "This is a family function--we all suffer."

"Traitor," she muttered. Laughing, Emily pulled her into the living room. Reluctantly looking to the door, it took plenty of the always-proper Parker's composure to not gape in surprise.

~~~~~~~~~

Jarod was sprawled gloomily out on his couch, flipping blankly through the newest medical journal. Parker had suggested it to him yesterday, mentioning an article titled, "Physiotherapy for children with CP." No actual reading had occurred, but he had managed to gain three papercuts already while leafing through the pages. Finally, he rolled his eyes and tossed the journal, hearing it land with a small rustle near the bookshelf behind him, then reached for the remote control and flicked on the TV.

"Hey, Parker's favorite show..." She wouldn't be missing it, he thought, if it weren't for that stupid dinner.

Click. "That movie she wants to rent." Click. "An ad for her new car." Click. "QVC rip-off of her favorite perfume." He paused. "I gave her a bottle of it for Christmas. I wonder if she's wearing any tonight..." Click. The TV shut off.

"Aw, screw it. God, I need a distraction--" He studied the wall for a moment. "What the hell am I saying? It's Friday night, I'm single, I've got friends...Friends I've ignored for months." He thought back through the last few months. His busy schedule left little time for a social life, and at the end of a long week the only thing that held any real interest was a movie or dinner with Parker. Reaching behind him, Jarod grabbed the pillow his head was resting on, and pressing it against his face, muffling his voice. "I am pathetic."

Next to the couch, Kyle applauded. "Very nice."

Catherine appeared from behind the television set. "I try."

~~~~~~~~~

Parker chatted politely with David as shortly as good manners allowed, then took the first opportunity to grab her mother and duck into the hallway. Catherine Parker didn't seem at all shocked at her daughter's irritation, merely followed calmly. "Anything I can help you with, dear?"

"You know perfectly well what I want to talk about," Parker whispered angrily. "Mind explaining Mr. Sommers in there?"

"Is something wrong?" she asked innocently.

"Are you kidding?!" She waved through the doorway to where David stood with his back to them, speaking to a very bored Emily. "Mom, you've set me up with a Jarod clone!"

"Well, now that's just silly. Just because they have the same hair color--"

"--and eye color, and height, and voice, and taste in clothes," Parker numbered off on her fingers. "Mom, really, couldn't you have been a little more creative?"

"So what if they look the same? David is a perfectly nice man."

"A perfect stranger, you mean!"

"Well, he wouldn't be a stranger if you'd go in there and talk to him."

Parker froze as facts clicked together. "You weren't just aiming for a dinner companion, were you?" Mrs. Parker's eyes didn't quite meet her own. "Mother! I don't believe this! You actually expect me to start dating him?!"

"Well, why not?" she asked defensively. "You have to start somewhere, and I figured the only person who'd grab your attention was someone like Jarod."

Parker struggled to keep what remained of her composure. "Firstly, I don't have to start anywhere, and that's because I have zero interest in dating right now. And as for your not-so-subtle insinuations about Jarod, there's absolutely nothing going on between us."

"What, you can find time for him, but not a potential husband?"

She made a face. "You're talking like David's livestock or something! Mom, I'm a doctor--that's not exactly a 9 to 5 job. It's time-consuming, and demands every ounce of your energy. Jarod and I are practically at the same point in our careers at the hospital, so if we're luck enough to have the same odd hours off, it would make sense that we would spend them together."

"But--"

"No buts, mother. Now, I'm willing to go out there and play along as the polite daughter, but just this once. Set me up again, and I'm going to march into the middle of that living room, scream and shout, throw a fit that will sure as hell embaress you, then stomp out like a spoiled child."

~~~~~~~~~

He'd finally settled on watching a game on TV, but it didn't hold his interest long, so Jarod finally headed to the kitchen, deciding that he'd make dinner to use up some of his energy. He caught himself looking at the phone a couple of times, like he expected her to call up at any moment, before an idea struck him. He reached for the phone and dialed Mrs. Parker's number, grinning at how grateful Parker was gonna be.

~~~~~~~~~

She'd never been so happy as to spot Mr. Downing coming her way five minutes ago. Even now, as he discussed his little pooch's bowel problems, she couldn't help but smile—after all, David Sommers had stopped bugging her. Realizing this struck her with curiousity, and she looked about until she spotted him, and understood why. He'd cornered poor Emily and was in the middle of incessantly talking to her. She watched her obviously-bored nods at whatever he was saying--some appetizer rolled off his napkin, and as he bent down to pick it up, Emily spotted Parker and quickly mouthed, "Help me!"

Parker excused herself, and hurried over.

"--and then I said, 'Of course it's a quadratic function. The graph is parabolic!' " He laughed heartily at what was supposedly a joke, with Emily joining in weakly, when Parker finally arrived to save her.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I need Emily for a minute."

"Of course," David smiled. Parker nearly gagged--there was a small piece of something green, probably from the broccoli mini-quiches, stuck between his two middle teeth. "Now don't you two lovely ladies stay gone for too long." Parker laughed politely, then walked off, with Emily practically dragging her. They went upstairs, and ducked into the guest room.

"Good news," Emily said dryly. "Your lover boy's a math professor."

She plopped down on the bed. "God, this is unbearable."

"Oh, cheer up, I'm sure he has some good qualities." Parker looked up and blinked. "Okay, maybe not. But look at the bright side, it's only--" She checked the clock. "--er, 6:30. Just two hours to go," she offered weakly, then gave up and sat down next to Parker. "All right, emergency plan: we grab a bottle of anything strong, and just stay up here for the rest of the night."

"That pizza and TV is sounding more tempting by the minute," Parker sighed.

"Huh?"

"Jarod. He knew I didn't want to come, offered to let me hide out at his place."

"Oh," Emily replied knowingly.

Parker, oblivious to her comment, went on, "Do you know, mom is hoping that I actually start dating David seriously."

"She just wants what's best for you."

Parker snorted. "A lobotomy would be better than a relationship with him. And then, she went on to make more crazy insinuations about me and Jarod."

Emily looked at her. "Is it really that crazy?"

"Not you too!"

"I'm serious. I mean, look at the facts--" She was cut off by the appearance of Mrs. Parker in the doorway, holding the cordless phone in her hand.

"It's Jarod," she said pointedly.

Parker took the phone, waited, then looked at the two expectantly. They left reluctantly. She rolled her eyes and lied down on the bed. "Thank god. You are never making me come to one of these things alone again."

"That bad?" he chuckled on the other end as he continued working in the kitchen.

"You have no idea," she replied earnestly. "The best part of you coming with was that I didn't have to put up with these people--we could just hide in a corner and talk to each other the whole time."

"Oh, yeah, I'm sure your mother loves that."

"You'd be surprised. Anyhow, what's up?"

"Well, I'm sure it'd be difficult for you to tear yourself away right now--"

"Very funny."

"--but if you really want out, I've got a plan."

Parker sat up eagerly. "Talk to me."

~~~~~~~~~

"But you said you wouldn't be on call all weekend," Mrs. Parker insisted as Parker slipped her jacket on.

"I know." She tried to put some real disappointment in her voice, but it was difficult. "But there's overcrowding at the hospital and not enough staff. I'm sorry I'm gonna miss dinner."

"Uh-huh," she replied, not buying it for a second. They heard a car pull up outside, and Parker opened the front door, trying not to look too eager. She gave her mom a quick kiss on the cheek, then hurried out to where Jarod sat in his convertible, waving at them.

"Do me a favor," Mrs. Parker called out, "and propose to my daughter tonight!"

"Mother!"

Jarod just laughed, and they drove off.

~~~~~~~~

Parker brushed her billowing hair out of her face, and gave a satisfied sigh, gazing up into the deep blue night sky. "You are a saint."

"Anything for you," he grinned, then pulled over.

"Why are we stopping?"

With a secretive smile, he took her hands and whispered, "Run away with me."

"What?"

"We'll just keep driving. Neither of us is on call--we could phone in sick on Monday, take a long weekend. We both need the break, and it'd be fun."

She studied him for a moment, then smiled back. "You're serious?"

He nodded. "What d'ya say?"

She bit her lower lip, grinned. "Let's do it."

Jarod didn't answer, but it was obvious he was pleased. They headed on down the winding road, following the oceanfront.

A little while later, he gestured toward the back of the car. "Take a look."

She did so, and laughed. "So this wasn't a spur of the moment thing." There was a large wicker picnic basket and a blanket.

"I figured we'd stop for a picnic somewhere on the beach."

She dug around for a moment, and noted with appreciation just how much work he'd put into the food. A small tupperware container caught her attention. She took it out, sat back down in her seat, and opened it up to inspect it. "Uh, Jarod, what is this?"

He glanced over, then replied sheepishly, "Oh, um, well there wasn't time to stop by a store, but I know how much you love tiramisu, so I kinda tried to make some...with twinkies and coffee. There's vanilla pudding in another container."

She laughed. "Only you would go to this much trouble."

Relieved at her reaction, he grinned. "Only you are worth it."

~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later, they'd had their picnic, and were back on the road. Jarod and Parker had agreed to stop at whatever town came up next for the night. Already her eyelids were drooping. She sleepily got the blanket from the back, wrapped herself in it and snuggled up to Jarod, relaxing her head on his shoulder. He smiled and placed an arm around her.

"This is how it's always going to be, right?" she murmured. "Just you and me."

"I hope so," he whispered.

"We'll always be friends." Her words were sleepy, but certain.

His smile waivered for only a moment before he replied, "The best." He pulled her a little closer, and only when she had fallen asleep did he add, "And who knows. Maybe more."

In the back seat, Catherine pumped in her fist in the air. "Yes!"

Disclaimer: I don't own "The Pretender" or any of ist characters. Thanx for not suing! ~Oriana


Kiss Me
The Joy of Sprinkler Systems 1/1
Oriana Lemke


Jarod paced nervously, fiddled with his dinner jacket, paced, and fiddled some more. As a waiter came by with champagne and wine, Jarod grabbed one of the long-stemmed glasses, downed it, then grabbed another. He was keeping such an intent lookout at the entrance that a few people had begun to slowly inch away from him, and he'd checked his watch so much that his wrist had grown sore.

Jarod was just a tad nervous.

Catherine and Kyle, however, were the complete wrecks. It's not like there had been any signs, a slow rise in Jarod's attention towards Parker. No, he'd simply waken up this morning, and decided that today was the day he'd tell Parker he loved her.

The day, however, had not gone as planned. His nerves had choked him the first time he saw her that morning; he absentmindedly left his coffee in the freezer and a shoe in his top left desk drawer, and managed to trip twice when he passed her in a corridor. He'd finally given up and gone home, with the promise to see her that night at the hospital's banquet.

And so now he stood, with a tight stomach and dry mouth, half wishing that she'd get here, half begging his legs to carry him far, far away. Catherine and Kyle merely paced, bumped into each other, and paced again.

And then she appeared in the doorway, dressed in an elegant black dress, her hair done up in a French twist, and Jarod suddenly had to remind himself to breathe. He took a few forced inhales, then walked as confidently as he could to her, and offered his arm. After that, it became a lot easier. They went around the large, richly decorated dining room, greeting friends and colleagues the same they had a hundred times before at a hundred other events. In fact, he let himself fall into the habitual routine so much, that as they sat at their table chatting before dinner, he let his mind wander.

"I love you."

That caught his attention. His head snapped up, he stared at her in shock. "What?!"

She gave him a confused look. "Olive juice. I said, these appetizers taste like they've been drenched in olive juice."

"Oh." He gave a weak laugh.

"Are you...okay?"

"Me? Yeah, sure, fine, never better." He looked down, realized he was twisting his cloth napkin until it was practically tearing, and tossed it onto the table. "Why, uh, do you ask?"

She gave him another peculiar look. "Oh, I don't know. Could be the fact that your face is paling by the second, or that you're sweating profusely. Or maybe my first hint was when you asked the waiter for a 'vodka IV drip, stat.' "

He blinked. "I didn't."

"You did. So, mind telling me what's going on?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing, really. Absolutely nothing at all."

"Right..." She shook her head, then let the conversation dropped as the waiters began serving their table.

~~~~~~~~~

Jarod was scheduled to present that night's speaker. Everything had become such a blur by that point, however, that he wasn't even aware it was time to go up until Parker was practically lifting him from his chair. Then, numbly, he walked up on stage, positioned himself behind the podium, and pulled his cue cards from his pocket.

Looking up, he froze, as over two hundred faces looked back expectantly. They were all obviously waiting for him to introduce the speaker, but the only thing Jarod's mind would concentrate on was a smell in the air. He sniffed, frowned, sniffed again, then smiled as he finally placed the scent: perfume. Parker's favorite perfume, that he'd given her for Christmas.

The audience continued to wait. Jarod, remembering quite suddenly that he was up here for a purpose, shuffled his cards, coughed, and began. "Our guest tonight, Dr. Colin Baker, is well known and well respected in the medical field..." They were giving him their full attention, clearly, but Jarod still couldn't help but feel that this somehow sounded wrong. This isn't what he wanted to say right now.

At the back of the room, Catherine hid her eyes, Kyle groaned. Things were not looking promising.

His brow bunched as he considered the situation, then with a light shrug, merely tossed the cards behind him. Hell or high water, he was gonna say, and say it now. Looking straight at Parker, who was watching him with obvious concern, he said in a clear voice, "There's another great doctor here tonight as well. She's dedicated her life to helping children, and has selflessly given of herself since joining this hospital nearly two years ago in hopes of bettering every aspect of it. Her name is Dr. Parker--" He kept his eyes steadily locked on hers. "--and I love her."

A consecutive gasp, then low murmuring hummed throughout the dining room. Parker could only sit, absolutely frozen. Jarod stepped down without another word, and another man took his place, desperately trying to get the show back on track. Oblivious to this, Jarod just walked determinedly to her, took her hand and led her into the coat room. They stood, silent, looking at each other expectantly.

Finally, unable to take it anymore, he blurted out, "Not to rush you or anything, but I've just put eleven years of friendship on the line."

She continued to stare at him.

"Listen...I understand if you don't know what to say. Hell, I more than understand. I mean, you saw the way I was behaving today." He was just rambling on aimlessly now. He knew it, but needed something to fill the silence. "I was acting like a complete idiot. I even managed to--"

"Me too."

"--lose my shoe. I found it later in my--" He froze, processed what he'd heard. "What?"

"I love you too," she whispered. She smiled, and continued on, her voice growing stronger with the realization. "I always have. I don't know how, but even before I met you, I had you pictured in my mind, down to the very last detail."

He let out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding. "Parker..."

"I love the way you make children laugh, even when they're in pain. I love that you can cook absolutely anything, and still be patient with me, despite the fact that I'll never be able to make even toast without destroying an appliance. I love how you know the exact moment to appear at my door with icecream and a shoulder to cry on. I love the way you make me stronger, the way you see me through even the most difficult cases. I love knowing that when I look at your smile, I'll find more warmth and humor and promise of safety there than anywhere else in the world." She laughed. "I love the fact that you wear Loony Toons boxers."

He laughed, they hugged, and after a moment of happy hesitance, kissed. Nearby, Catherine and Kyle began to high-five and whoop in excitement.

~~~~~~~~~

They returned to the dining room a little over half an hour later. Dessert was just being served; the speaker was done, and so when they re-entered, everyone's attention was turned to them. Parker blushed, Jarod grinned, and they took their seats, holding hands the entire time.

It was then that the idea struck Jarod. Given his achievement just earlier, his head was in the clouds, and as he watched Parker chat with the woman next to her, he began to see no reason not to go all the way. He considered; no ring, but she'd understand. And he couldn't exactly do it at the table, he had to do it right, on one knee. Carried on the impulse, he braced himself for the lunge he was about to take, and pushed his chair back to stand.

A waiter, however, had the unfortunate luck of standing right behind him, bearing a silver dish of flaming cherries jubilee. As the chair made contact with him, the poor waiter immediately lost his balance, especially under the heavy weight of the food. The dish went flying, landed on a nearby table, and set the tablecloth on fire.

The attention of everyone in the room turned from the happy couple to the shrieking older socialite wives whose table now had a centerpiece of flames. The excellent fire alarm system acted at this moment, dousing the entire room with water from the sprinkler system. As per customary fire behavior, everyone tried to hurry at once to the doors, and the servers caught in the traffic began to drop their dessert trays, and the assorted cakes and such they held, to the floor.

At this point, the entire room was chaos. Everyone was shouting, milling around, completely soaked. One person would slip on a spilled bread pudding, and like a domino effect an entire line of people would fall.

Parker and Jarod, however, stood right where they were. Parker was laughing, holding her hands out, like she was playing in the rain, while Jarod's brain was hard at work on the debate: do it, don't do it, do it, don't do it. His mouth opened without him consciously knowing it, and he was surprised to hear the words coming from his own mouth, "Parker, I need to say something." As he spoke, he'd cupped her hands in his own to keep them warm, a natural instinct he hadn't even thought about.

She was shivering a bit, but grinning just the same. "Yeah?"

He took a deep breath, wiped his hair back. "This isn't exactly how I pictured this happening; but during a romantic picnic, on a mountain, in a coffeshop--knowing us, this is how it'd turn out anyway, no matter where I did it."

"Did what?"

"Asked you to be my wife." Feet away, Catherine and Kyle gaped, blinked, comprehended, and began to jump up and down, hugging each other and screaming happily.

She stopped shivering; her smile weakened, but stayed. "I...I don't know what to say."

"It's okay. We have all the time in the world. You know I'd never push something like this on you, and I'd never try to tell you what to say--Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about?! Say yes, Parker." She continued to stare into his chocolate eyes. "I know this probably isn't the best timing, and I know there isn't a ring, and I know that right now all you want is to go home and dry off--"

"Jarod!" she laughed, pulling a hand away and brushing his cheek lovingly.

"Yes?"

"What do you think I'm going to say? There's only one option." His face broke into a huge grin, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer. "Now shut up and kiss me." He was only too happy to oblige.